Ehm i dont remember where i left of and really i cant be assed to go back and look :P (does so anyway)
Ok so its been like over a week since a REAL update. Not much happend really. Im very happy and bouncey and just genrally in a great mood.
I have like a million and one things to do. I'm just waiting for "that" phone call to see if i got this job that id really really LOVE TO HAVE like seriousely i want it.
If i work my butt of i could be owning or running my own pub this side of two years. ^_^
Talking with many friends and... I refused sex of a VERYYYY pretty boy! *proud of self*
Rich is being a compleat darling and really really helping me with well.. just everything. Love him <3
Rens is talking about moving over within like the next well 9 months lol but that would be ok if i got my job and a bigger place. my little flat is just well.. small but cute but id like something bigger.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
meh again
lets seee, yesterday, Finally find the courage to get out of bed and to stop worrieing so much and go in to work. With in about 10 min im home from work and more worried than when i woke up.
You see. Now i need to either find a job. or find 2 thousand pounds by the end of the month ^_^
See I lost my job, as most of you know i have been sick the last 3 weeks. and well as i haven't been there they had to get someone else even though I had told them that I had been sick and i have a doctors note.
SO i spent most of yesterday Looking for jobs and in about 2 hours im going to go take back all my forms that I filled in and go down to the spa and ask there (local food shop place)
So now im even more stressed out. Im falling for someone I shouldnt be. An austrailen is keeping me saine and I just want a hug ^_^
You see. Now i need to either find a job. or find 2 thousand pounds by the end of the month ^_^
See I lost my job, as most of you know i have been sick the last 3 weeks. and well as i haven't been there they had to get someone else even though I had told them that I had been sick and i have a doctors note.
SO i spent most of yesterday Looking for jobs and in about 2 hours im going to go take back all my forms that I filled in and go down to the spa and ask there (local food shop place)
So now im even more stressed out. Im falling for someone I shouldnt be. An austrailen is keeping me saine and I just want a hug ^_^
Sunday, March 18, 2007
meh
I know i havent updated in a few days. just cant be assed atm. Im back at mum and dads as its mothers day. I shouldnt be here. Im not wanted here. Lucy hates me. and what makes it worse. My youngest sister alice. Is getting really upset that its hurtting me. Alice is so lovely and hates that Lucy is being such a bitch to me. Mum and dad have just stoped noticeing. unless i do something then I get told of about it.
To make things easyer im just not going to come here again and work even harder so that I DONT have to move back here. I doubt i could take it if i had too.
Going back to cooking.. that acording to mum i shouldnt be doing so that lucy doesnt get mad... well its the only thing im halfway good at. so fuck them ^_^
To make things easyer im just not going to come here again and work even harder so that I DONT have to move back here. I doubt i could take it if i had too.
Going back to cooking.. that acording to mum i shouldnt be doing so that lucy doesnt get mad... well its the only thing im halfway good at. so fuck them ^_^
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Who knew
"Who Knew"
You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right
If someone said two years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrongI know better
Cause you said foreverAnd ever
Who knew
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long goneI guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And everWho knew
Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened
If someone said two years from now
You'd be long goneI'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew
Lonely atm
You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right
If someone said two years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrongI know better
Cause you said foreverAnd ever
Who knew
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long goneI guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And everWho knew
Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened
If someone said two years from now
You'd be long goneI'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew
Lonely atm
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Some times I hate being right... then I realise that I dont hate it quite that bad :P
Well suprise suprise Alex didn't turn up. Shocking really isnt it *laughs* Well I don't care I didnt even do much for if he was coming ^_^
I have decided that I need to sort my self out. Amazingly I have been thinking about my self for once and what I want.
I want someone. But i think I need to sort out my head first
There is someone that likes me.. well at least 3.. but i just dont feel anything anymore. I think im alittle to scared to feel anything Incase it goes wrong and I mess up.
Im hungry and cant think atm so im going to get some food.
I have decided that I need to sort my self out. Amazingly I have been thinking about my self for once and what I want.
I want someone. But i think I need to sort out my head first
There is someone that likes me.. well at least 3.. but i just dont feel anything anymore. I think im alittle to scared to feel anything Incase it goes wrong and I mess up.
Im hungry and cant think atm so im going to get some food.
Friday, March 09, 2007
In college - co writen by Paddy and Rob
Sat in college at the moment, Sat next to the lovely Paddybear <33 Irish sexpot :P
(he made me write that)
I have just sorted everything out with Sally and will hopefully have everything done by the end of next week as I'm not aloud back in the kitchen for another week. Stupid chest infection thingy.
I'm still feeling self concouse and getting to college was hard this morning. I could hear people laughing at me and it just got me all parainode again.
I went to the Doctors and they want me to have another phyc evaluation. I told them about Isobelle and that fact that I hadn't wanted to live for a while now. They got a little worried and i found that strange as well... no one should worrie about me.
They said they may want me to take some drugs to "lift" my mood. (but padz also said i should stop smokein crack that mite help a little wo wo wo padz is sexy)Its drugs or i have to have behavable therpy and well.. that doesn't really apeal to me as i don't want to talk about why im hurtting. but i do think padz wud look good in spandex or spedoes hmmmm!
rob like fudge up his bum
aka mars bars or maybe the odd snickers
things are getting alittle random here as both Rob and Paddy are wanting to write in my blog. I may update later today.
(he made me write that)
I have just sorted everything out with Sally and will hopefully have everything done by the end of next week as I'm not aloud back in the kitchen for another week. Stupid chest infection thingy.
I'm still feeling self concouse and getting to college was hard this morning. I could hear people laughing at me and it just got me all parainode again.
I went to the Doctors and they want me to have another phyc evaluation. I told them about Isobelle and that fact that I hadn't wanted to live for a while now. They got a little worried and i found that strange as well... no one should worrie about me.
They said they may want me to take some drugs to "lift" my mood. (but padz also said i should stop smokein crack that mite help a little wo wo wo padz is sexy)Its drugs or i have to have behavable therpy and well.. that doesn't really apeal to me as i don't want to talk about why im hurtting. but i do think padz wud look good in spandex or spedoes hmmmm!
rob like fudge up his bum
aka mars bars or maybe the odd snickers
things are getting alittle random here as both Rob and Paddy are wanting to write in my blog. I may update later today.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
I'm at mum and dad's at the moment. They have gone to Wrexham already and i'm waiting for Dawn to come get me.
Just been sat here wondering who'd miss me if I just vanished. So far im drawing a blank, other than for Dawn and maybe Alice an John.
I could so easyerly just get up and go.
Just been talking to Seb on RuneScape. Im not sure if he knows how hard it is for me to talk to him as I just miss him so much. At least if I disapired he wouldnt have to pretend he cares anymore. No one at college would miss me. Abi doesnt talk to me anymore. Sophie or Beth wouldnt notice. If anything maybe my online friends would realise i was gone first. Even then im just someone online. So again why would they care?
Alex would just be glad i wasnt in his life anymore, the same for karl and some other guys i know.
I've lost all will to live. and i just dont care anymore.
Just been sat here wondering who'd miss me if I just vanished. So far im drawing a blank, other than for Dawn and maybe Alice an John.
I could so easyerly just get up and go.
Just been talking to Seb on RuneScape. Im not sure if he knows how hard it is for me to talk to him as I just miss him so much. At least if I disapired he wouldnt have to pretend he cares anymore. No one at college would miss me. Abi doesnt talk to me anymore. Sophie or Beth wouldnt notice. If anything maybe my online friends would realise i was gone first. Even then im just someone online. So again why would they care?
Alex would just be glad i wasnt in his life anymore, the same for karl and some other guys i know.
I've lost all will to live. and i just dont care anymore.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
messed up
EH im messed up. I'm getting really sick and really.. i dont want to get better. *shrugs* whats the point? I've fucked up so many peoples lives why shouldnt i hurt.
No wonder everyone leaves me and no one wants to be with me.
I got sent home from work today. Turned up there on time and everything but they wouldnt let me work cus i cant breath and im coughing alot.
Sometimes i just wish i could run away and hide. Disapire from everything.
Alex's brother thinks i forced Alex in to what happend. That i made that night happen.
Maybe i did. I just wanted to feel somekind of affection and not the normal distaine and hatred that I seem to get everywhere i go.
I dont know wether to walk away from alex to just step out of his life. Him like Seb and Karl. None of them cared for me it was just all make believe. Once more I was used to a get something that they wanted and Im not even sure i wanted. I just wanted to feel wanted. To feel that i belong somewhere or with someone.
But you see that wont ever happen as im an outsider. Im a mess. I dont fit in to the idea of "perfect" im not thin or pretty. Im just fat and ugly and easy to use.
No wonder Alex got out as soon as he could. No wonder Karl was just a one night stand. No wonder Seb ignored me so much.
Im just not worth anything. So why should I bother with my life? Why should I care anymore. I have no ne to love me. No one that tells me that they care and meen it.
Suprisingly when I say i care for someone friend or other why's i meen it. I'm so close to just stopping from believeing in anyone and to just walk away from man kind.
This human race has done nothing for me but bring me hurt and damage me.
Like i have been called so often.
I'm damaged Goods.
No wonder everyone leaves me and no one wants to be with me.
I got sent home from work today. Turned up there on time and everything but they wouldnt let me work cus i cant breath and im coughing alot.
Sometimes i just wish i could run away and hide. Disapire from everything.
Alex's brother thinks i forced Alex in to what happend. That i made that night happen.
Maybe i did. I just wanted to feel somekind of affection and not the normal distaine and hatred that I seem to get everywhere i go.
I dont know wether to walk away from alex to just step out of his life. Him like Seb and Karl. None of them cared for me it was just all make believe. Once more I was used to a get something that they wanted and Im not even sure i wanted. I just wanted to feel wanted. To feel that i belong somewhere or with someone.
But you see that wont ever happen as im an outsider. Im a mess. I dont fit in to the idea of "perfect" im not thin or pretty. Im just fat and ugly and easy to use.
No wonder Alex got out as soon as he could. No wonder Karl was just a one night stand. No wonder Seb ignored me so much.
Im just not worth anything. So why should I bother with my life? Why should I care anymore. I have no ne to love me. No one that tells me that they care and meen it.
Suprisingly when I say i care for someone friend or other why's i meen it. I'm so close to just stopping from believeing in anyone and to just walk away from man kind.
This human race has done nothing for me but bring me hurt and damage me.
Like i have been called so often.
I'm damaged Goods.
Friday, March 02, 2007
what an intence 25 hours i have jsut had...
Bloody hell.... my heads still spinning..
so say 3 weeks ago i met this guy called Alex.. a compleat darling.. and i started to feel something for him. Not love but something. I love being around him and talking to him and he love's talking to me etc.
So wednesday night. my friend Ryan is over helping me fix my computer and things. Alex is of bowling with co workers so were not talking much. just texting alittle.
About 5.49pm my phone rings.
Alex : "whats your flat number?"
Me: "ehmmm why?"
Alex : "just tell me"
Me : "flat one why?"
the phone goes dead and the buzzer goes... My heart goes's in to over drive and i look out the window. I cant see who it is so i start to think that someone has got the wrong buzzer. That happens alot to me.
I go out and open the door, and Alex is there... just standing there smiling at me... I am in compleat shock i dont know what to say... i invite him in and poor Ryan is like WTF lol
I get Alex inside and hug him and hug him so much. I have no idea why or how or what on earth is going on. Ryan hangs around for another hour and then goes and gets his train. I ask Alex why he is here and he said
"I just wanted to make it up to you" we hug and kiss and snuggle on the sofa. We went and got some food. We tried to watch Firefly but were kissing far to much. I was so unbeleiveablely happy. We went to bed around 9pm and well im not telling you what happend then hehe.
I could hardly sleep I was that happy after the 3rd time i could tell somethnig was wrong. I asked what it was and he said that he hated him self for being so consurned about looks but he didnt really like that i was "bigger" than he thought i would be. He went on to explaine that he had all these's expectations about meet up with me and falling in love with me. But none of them have happend.
Well that messed my head about and i shall admit i cryed. I got out of bed and went and sobbed in the bathroom. When i came back he said he was very confused and didnt know what he was feeling or what he wanted to do. So i asked him to make his mind up by 5pm as he had to leave at 6pm.
We snuggled and kisses and hugged and he said he was sorry about using how i looked against me that he was using something that hurt me against me as a scape goat as it was the easyest thing to pick on with out explaining the real reason for what he was feeling.
I did point out that if he hated me so much he wouldnt of cum 3 times already or love hugging me or kissing me etc. He agreed with me and said sorry again.
At 5pm i asked for his answer and he said that atm he thought that it would be best if we were jsut friends as he thinks he rushed in to things far to quickly. I nodded and hugged against him. my little heart brakeing once more.
i walked him to the train station and he promiced he would come again on the 9th - 11th march he asked for a good bye kiss and i said no. and preatically pushed him away i was so abrupt with him. I just wanted to hold him and kiss him and say it was ok.
he text me when he got him and we had this text convo.
him : i think basically i just wanted to make you happy and a relationship with me would do that. then once i made you happy i realised i was doing it for you.
him : yeah sorry i was just trying to make you happy since you appera to be an unhappy person. I also felt like i should because my bro is mean to you.
me: so you did all of this for a sence of dutey that you really shouldnt of felt unless you felt something for me..
him: i like making people happy and i liked the fact i was making you happy. that combined with our friendship made it seem more to me. I'm sorry.
me: lets take it slow.. but alex im not so sure you didnt compleatly feel nothing.. you wouldnt of kissed me or hugged me or reacted to my touch as much if you didnt feel anything.
me: wow think you will ever have feelings for me? and damn you were confused.
him : i have no idea. and yes i was. sorry my good intentions turned so sour.
me: well it was very rushed and you did fuck up so how about we start over cus i do care for you as a friend an i just wanted you happy even tho it seems you havent been.
him : i was happy. i just rushed in without thinking and we realised my true feelings the hard way. but sure lets start again.
him: i felt stuff for you. it just wasnt what i thought.
So... now he is coming back a week today and we are just friends. At least i found this out now and not in a few months. Luckly for me sex isnt everything and i am so glad that we can still be friends as i did and do care for him... wether or not he cares for me friendship or other whys.
Im very tired and have 3 huge hickys *laughs* I miss talking to him already... But i doubt he misses me at all.
so say 3 weeks ago i met this guy called Alex.. a compleat darling.. and i started to feel something for him. Not love but something. I love being around him and talking to him and he love's talking to me etc.
So wednesday night. my friend Ryan is over helping me fix my computer and things. Alex is of bowling with co workers so were not talking much. just texting alittle.
About 5.49pm my phone rings.
Alex : "whats your flat number?"
Me: "ehmmm why?"
Alex : "just tell me"
Me : "flat one why?"
the phone goes dead and the buzzer goes... My heart goes's in to over drive and i look out the window. I cant see who it is so i start to think that someone has got the wrong buzzer. That happens alot to me.
I go out and open the door, and Alex is there... just standing there smiling at me... I am in compleat shock i dont know what to say... i invite him in and poor Ryan is like WTF lol
I get Alex inside and hug him and hug him so much. I have no idea why or how or what on earth is going on. Ryan hangs around for another hour and then goes and gets his train. I ask Alex why he is here and he said
"I just wanted to make it up to you" we hug and kiss and snuggle on the sofa. We went and got some food. We tried to watch Firefly but were kissing far to much. I was so unbeleiveablely happy. We went to bed around 9pm and well im not telling you what happend then hehe.
I could hardly sleep I was that happy after the 3rd time i could tell somethnig was wrong. I asked what it was and he said that he hated him self for being so consurned about looks but he didnt really like that i was "bigger" than he thought i would be. He went on to explaine that he had all these's expectations about meet up with me and falling in love with me. But none of them have happend.
Well that messed my head about and i shall admit i cryed. I got out of bed and went and sobbed in the bathroom. When i came back he said he was very confused and didnt know what he was feeling or what he wanted to do. So i asked him to make his mind up by 5pm as he had to leave at 6pm.
We snuggled and kisses and hugged and he said he was sorry about using how i looked against me that he was using something that hurt me against me as a scape goat as it was the easyest thing to pick on with out explaining the real reason for what he was feeling.
I did point out that if he hated me so much he wouldnt of cum 3 times already or love hugging me or kissing me etc. He agreed with me and said sorry again.
At 5pm i asked for his answer and he said that atm he thought that it would be best if we were jsut friends as he thinks he rushed in to things far to quickly. I nodded and hugged against him. my little heart brakeing once more.
i walked him to the train station and he promiced he would come again on the 9th - 11th march he asked for a good bye kiss and i said no. and preatically pushed him away i was so abrupt with him. I just wanted to hold him and kiss him and say it was ok.
he text me when he got him and we had this text convo.
him : i think basically i just wanted to make you happy and a relationship with me would do that. then once i made you happy i realised i was doing it for you.
him : yeah sorry i was just trying to make you happy since you appera to be an unhappy person. I also felt like i should because my bro is mean to you.
me: so you did all of this for a sence of dutey that you really shouldnt of felt unless you felt something for me..
him: i like making people happy and i liked the fact i was making you happy. that combined with our friendship made it seem more to me. I'm sorry.
me: lets take it slow.. but alex im not so sure you didnt compleatly feel nothing.. you wouldnt of kissed me or hugged me or reacted to my touch as much if you didnt feel anything.
me: wow think you will ever have feelings for me? and damn you were confused.
him : i have no idea. and yes i was. sorry my good intentions turned so sour.
me: well it was very rushed and you did fuck up so how about we start over cus i do care for you as a friend an i just wanted you happy even tho it seems you havent been.
him : i was happy. i just rushed in without thinking and we realised my true feelings the hard way. but sure lets start again.
him: i felt stuff for you. it just wasnt what i thought.
So... now he is coming back a week today and we are just friends. At least i found this out now and not in a few months. Luckly for me sex isnt everything and i am so glad that we can still be friends as i did and do care for him... wether or not he cares for me friendship or other whys.
Im very tired and have 3 huge hickys *laughs* I miss talking to him already... But i doubt he misses me at all.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Friday, February 23, 2007
Happy.. I think
Im so tired lol... been spending most of the night talking with Alex.. normally till about 5am >_<
I really like him and i know he likes me too.. He will be coming over soon and I cant wait. He is so sweet... he understands that im hurtting and doesnt want to push anything he just wants to look after and care for me.
I dont remember when i have been this happy without working for it. Alex just cares about me I dont have to work for it.. or ask him to talk to me or make time for me... he just wants to be around me.. I cant explaine how good that feels.
he said this "when im not taking to you i try and convince my self that your just a girl i know just some one i talk too... but the second we talk im on the edge of my seat waiting for your every word"
im so happy atm... its lovely.. Im sorting my head out and my house is almost sorted.. I have work tomorrow and I got paid today. I dont really know what could be better =D
I'm going to go and clean my flat now as its something that i have started to really enjoy doing.
Im going to write up a plan as well so that I have set things to do each day. I think that having alittle bit of stablilty in my life would be a really good thing ^_^
May up date again later.
Roo x
I really like him and i know he likes me too.. He will be coming over soon and I cant wait. He is so sweet... he understands that im hurtting and doesnt want to push anything he just wants to look after and care for me.
I dont remember when i have been this happy without working for it. Alex just cares about me I dont have to work for it.. or ask him to talk to me or make time for me... he just wants to be around me.. I cant explaine how good that feels.
he said this "when im not taking to you i try and convince my self that your just a girl i know just some one i talk too... but the second we talk im on the edge of my seat waiting for your every word"
im so happy atm... its lovely.. Im sorting my head out and my house is almost sorted.. I have work tomorrow and I got paid today. I dont really know what could be better =D
I'm going to go and clean my flat now as its something that i have started to really enjoy doing.
Im going to write up a plan as well so that I have set things to do each day. I think that having alittle bit of stablilty in my life would be a really good thing ^_^
May up date again later.
Roo x
Monday, February 19, 2007
hehe
I know i havent posted for a while but alot has been happening to me !! I have a new job!!!
I have a new computer.. i have a new hair cut! i have a new life and im happy.. i have Alex to thank for that he has been so lovely.. well all my friends have looked after me alot. Love you all very much <3
Just heard this song and LOL it made me realise how glad i am that i have walked away.
KELLY CLARKSON LYRICS
"Walk Away"
But the truth is
That it's cupid, baby
Lovin' you has made me this way
So before you point your finger
Get your hands off of my trigger
Oh yeah
You need to know this situation's getting old
And now the more you talk
The less I can take, oh
I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why are you still standin' here?
Hey, hey, hey, heyJ
ust walk away
Just walk away
Just walk away
Waited here for you
Like a kid waiting after school
So tell me how come you never showed (showed)?
I gave you everything
And never asked for anything
And look at me
I'm all alone (alone)
So, before you start defendin'
Baby, stop all your pretendin'
I know you know I know
So what's the point in being slow
Let's get the show on the road today Hey
YAY GO ME!! I FEEL GREAT!! IM FREE!!!! ^_^
I have a new computer.. i have a new hair cut! i have a new life and im happy.. i have Alex to thank for that he has been so lovely.. well all my friends have looked after me alot. Love you all very much <3
Just heard this song and LOL it made me realise how glad i am that i have walked away.
KELLY CLARKSON LYRICS
"Walk Away"
But the truth is
That it's cupid, baby
Lovin' you has made me this way
So before you point your finger
Get your hands off of my trigger
Oh yeah
You need to know this situation's getting old
And now the more you talk
The less I can take, oh
I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why are you still standin' here?
Hey, hey, hey, heyJ
ust walk away
Just walk away
Just walk away
Waited here for you
Like a kid waiting after school
So tell me how come you never showed (showed)?
I gave you everything
And never asked for anything
And look at me
I'm all alone (alone)
So, before you start defendin'
Baby, stop all your pretendin'
I know you know I know
So what's the point in being slow
Let's get the show on the road today Hey
YAY GO ME!! I FEEL GREAT!! IM FREE!!!! ^_^
Saturday, February 10, 2007
4 days..
Its four days until valentines day...
Im quite looking forward to it I think. I dont expect anything at all tho lol.
Last night i spent 3 hours crying, and i realised that.. Seb stoped loving me along time ago if he ever did.
I realised that i was so so SO much better than how i have been treated for the last 2 years.. Yea sure it was great. But he isnt what i need. or now. want.
Why would i want someone that treats me badly?
Why would I want someone that pushes me away?
Do I need someone that if i just ask for help or say i want to talk to them walks away from me?
Do I really need or want someone I cant realy on?
Someone who says they will be there but wont atually be there for me?
I dont want someone that is going to lie to me anymore.
So im better of not having a child as a boyfriend. I was deluded and misslead.
And to be honest.. Even tho i love him compleatly.. and gave him everything..
I wish i had, had the courage to walk away the first time people warned me that it was going to hurt.
Im quite looking forward to it I think. I dont expect anything at all tho lol.
Last night i spent 3 hours crying, and i realised that.. Seb stoped loving me along time ago if he ever did.
I realised that i was so so SO much better than how i have been treated for the last 2 years.. Yea sure it was great. But he isnt what i need. or now. want.
Why would i want someone that treats me badly?
Why would I want someone that pushes me away?
Do I need someone that if i just ask for help or say i want to talk to them walks away from me?
Do I really need or want someone I cant realy on?
Someone who says they will be there but wont atually be there for me?
I dont want someone that is going to lie to me anymore.
So im better of not having a child as a boyfriend. I was deluded and misslead.
And to be honest.. Even tho i love him compleatly.. and gave him everything..
I wish i had, had the courage to walk away the first time people warned me that it was going to hurt.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
heart break
i just called seb...i have been hurtting alot lately and i just wanted to hear him. I told him I loved him and well were back to the "i know"
i asked if he loves me and he said that was what he was trying to find that out again.... I cried... it seems to be all I do anymore.
i asked if he loves me and he said that was what he was trying to find that out again.... I cried... it seems to be all I do anymore.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
~Boring Basics~
What do people call you?:: Roo, Ruth, Ruthie
Gender?: Female
How long have you been living?:: almost 22 years
Where were you born?: shrewsbury
Where do you reside?:: shrewsbury
Who do you live with?:: me myself and I
Any pets?: webble and bob the goldfish
Grade?: back at college
~Outside~
Height?:: 5'3"
Eye color?:: green yellow
Skin color?:: white very pale.
Hair?:: currently red
Wear glasses/contacts?: either
Any piercings?: ears and tongue
Tattoos?:nopes.
What can you usually be seen wearing?:: black trousers and a hoody and my vans
Makeup?:: not atm but I will make an effort sometimes
Jewelry?::tongue stud.. locket I got at christmas and a ring.
Do you like the way you look?:: not really but working on it
What would you change?:: lose weight
~Inside~
How do you normally feel?:: ATM… used and unwanted. And tired
What is usually on your mind?:: worries
How would you describe your personality?:: loveable.
Do you hide how you really feel or show it?:: Show it.
Do you like how you think?:: yes
Do you have low self-esteem??: yes
Are you confident: Not all the time
~Love/Relationships/And all that fun stuff~
Single or taken?: Sadly single cus I fucked up
If single, How long have you been single?:: 2 weeks today
How many past relationships did you have?:: I dont remember but nothing complaired to my last one
Why did the last one end?:: I felt I was being neglected so I cheated on him with a guy that was just using me for sex.
Are you currently in search for a significant other?:: I want him back.
Ever been kissed?: lots.
How old were you when you got your first kiss?: about 14
How many people have you kissed?:: about 7
How about that tongue?: im told im good with it.
Ever been in love?:: yes.. still am
Do you believe in love?: Yep.
Any regrets?:: Cheating on Seb.
Do you like being single better or being taken?:: I want to belong again
If taken, What is your significant other's name?:: =(
How long have you been together?:: =(
Where did you meet?:: online in Runescape
Describe them.: The most hansom and beautiful person I know inside and out but is hurtting and needs to deal with things in his life.
Virgin or no?: no
Have any fetishes?:: Im sub
Turn-ons?:: I love it when someone talks dirty to me. I get off on sounds hearing my man moan, being told to do things..
Turn-offs?:: Complicating simple things ("Kiss me" "Where?" "I don't fucking care!!!")
Where do you like to be touched?: All freaking over.
What kind of person are you attracted to?:: powerful people
Are you dominant or submissive?:: Submissive.
Prefer to be on the top or bottom?:: Depends on what Master wants :P
Into bondage/bdsm/s&m/or any of that other fun stuff?:: yes.
Do you like biting/being bitten?: yes
Into spanking?: Yes
How about those whips?: im a naughty girl.
~People/Friends/Socialness~
How many close friends do you have?: Very few.
Who always makes you smile?: Seb..
Makes you laugh?: People.
Makes you happy?: Friends
Who is always there for you?: Friends
Who can you trust the most?: Seb and Abi
Trust the least?: Myself.
Who would you give your life for?: Anyone
Are you social?: nopes
Do you like to talk to people?: yes.
Are you a conversation starter?: yes
Do you like to be the center of attention?: sometimes
Would you just like to be unnoticed?: yes
Do social situations make you nervous?: Yeah.
Do you talk to strangers?: Only sometimes. When I'm feeling super-random.
What’s one of the nicest things someone said to you?: Seb : Your so fucking beautiful… I adore you
One of the meanest?: Your fat and ugly
~This or That~
Phone or IM?: Phone
Lights on or off?: On.
Talk or listen?: Listen.
Wax or shave?: Wax.
Write or type?: Both.
Kiss (a long one not a peck) a family member or someone of the same sex: kissing a girl
Be blind or deaf?: Deaf.
Shower or bath?: bath
Hot tub or pool?: pool
Be entertained or entertain?: Be entertained, most definitely.
White chocolate or dark chocolate?: dark
Outdoors or indoors?: Indoors
~Now~
Eating?: Nothing.
Drinking?: Nothing.
Listening to?: computer humming
Wearing?: Just a teeshirt
Talking to?: Rick
Doing?: This survey.
Thinking?: Wishing Seb was here.
How ya feeling?: I'm getting tired and sick
Book reading?: none atm
~Last~
Ate?: Peanut butter on toast
Drank?: water.
Listened to?: Dont remember
Wore?: What I'm wearing now.
Talked to?: Seb
Said?: "miss you"
Did?: Surveyness.
Watched?: News.
Time you vomited?: Couple days ago.
Were sick?: Now
Cry?: Last night
Book read?: Dont remember.
Movie watched?: something on at 2am
Person hugged?: Dawn.
Person kissed?: Karl -.-
Person you saw?: john and dawn at station
Hospital visit?: few days ago.
~Random~
What annoys the hell out of you?: People that say maybe.. or I dont know… make up your fucking mind its not that hard
What do your sheets look like?: Purple
Have any nifty talents?: I dont have a gag reflex
Been to any neat places?: I've been to lots of them.
You into the whole religion thing?: Yes.
What about sparkly and glittery stuff?: HELL YES!!!!!!!!!!
What do people call you?:: Roo, Ruth, Ruthie
Gender?: Female
How long have you been living?:: almost 22 years
Where were you born?: shrewsbury
Where do you reside?:: shrewsbury
Who do you live with?:: me myself and I
Any pets?: webble and bob the goldfish
Grade?: back at college
~Outside~
Height?:: 5'3"
Eye color?:: green yellow
Skin color?:: white very pale.
Hair?:: currently red
Wear glasses/contacts?: either
Any piercings?: ears and tongue
Tattoos?:nopes.
What can you usually be seen wearing?:: black trousers and a hoody and my vans
Makeup?:: not atm but I will make an effort sometimes
Jewelry?::tongue stud.. locket I got at christmas and a ring.
Do you like the way you look?:: not really but working on it
What would you change?:: lose weight
~Inside~
How do you normally feel?:: ATM… used and unwanted. And tired
What is usually on your mind?:: worries
How would you describe your personality?:: loveable.
Do you hide how you really feel or show it?:: Show it.
Do you like how you think?:: yes
Do you have low self-esteem??: yes
Are you confident: Not all the time
~Love/Relationships/And all that fun stuff~
Single or taken?: Sadly single cus I fucked up
If single, How long have you been single?:: 2 weeks today
How many past relationships did you have?:: I dont remember but nothing complaired to my last one
Why did the last one end?:: I felt I was being neglected so I cheated on him with a guy that was just using me for sex.
Are you currently in search for a significant other?:: I want him back.
Ever been kissed?: lots.
How old were you when you got your first kiss?: about 14
How many people have you kissed?:: about 7
How about that tongue?: im told im good with it.
Ever been in love?:: yes.. still am
Do you believe in love?: Yep.
Any regrets?:: Cheating on Seb.
Do you like being single better or being taken?:: I want to belong again
If taken, What is your significant other's name?:: =(
How long have you been together?:: =(
Where did you meet?:: online in Runescape
Describe them.: The most hansom and beautiful person I know inside and out but is hurtting and needs to deal with things in his life.
Virgin or no?: no
Have any fetishes?:: Im sub
Turn-ons?:: I love it when someone talks dirty to me. I get off on sounds hearing my man moan, being told to do things..
Turn-offs?:: Complicating simple things ("Kiss me" "Where?" "I don't fucking care!!!")
Where do you like to be touched?: All freaking over.
What kind of person are you attracted to?:: powerful people
Are you dominant or submissive?:: Submissive.
Prefer to be on the top or bottom?:: Depends on what Master wants :P
Into bondage/bdsm/s&m/or any of that other fun stuff?:: yes.
Do you like biting/being bitten?: yes
Into spanking?: Yes
How about those whips?: im a naughty girl.
~People/Friends/Socialness~
How many close friends do you have?: Very few.
Who always makes you smile?: Seb..
Makes you laugh?: People.
Makes you happy?: Friends
Who is always there for you?: Friends
Who can you trust the most?: Seb and Abi
Trust the least?: Myself.
Who would you give your life for?: Anyone
Are you social?: nopes
Do you like to talk to people?: yes.
Are you a conversation starter?: yes
Do you like to be the center of attention?: sometimes
Would you just like to be unnoticed?: yes
Do social situations make you nervous?: Yeah.
Do you talk to strangers?: Only sometimes. When I'm feeling super-random.
What’s one of the nicest things someone said to you?: Seb : Your so fucking beautiful… I adore you
One of the meanest?: Your fat and ugly
~This or That~
Phone or IM?: Phone
Lights on or off?: On.
Talk or listen?: Listen.
Wax or shave?: Wax.
Write or type?: Both.
Kiss (a long one not a peck) a family member or someone of the same sex: kissing a girl
Be blind or deaf?: Deaf.
Shower or bath?: bath
Hot tub or pool?: pool
Be entertained or entertain?: Be entertained, most definitely.
White chocolate or dark chocolate?: dark
Outdoors or indoors?: Indoors
~Now~
Eating?: Nothing.
Drinking?: Nothing.
Listening to?: computer humming
Wearing?: Just a teeshirt
Talking to?: Rick
Doing?: This survey.
Thinking?: Wishing Seb was here.
How ya feeling?: I'm getting tired and sick
Book reading?: none atm
~Last~
Ate?: Peanut butter on toast
Drank?: water.
Listened to?: Dont remember
Wore?: What I'm wearing now.
Talked to?: Seb
Said?: "miss you"
Did?: Surveyness.
Watched?: News.
Time you vomited?: Couple days ago.
Were sick?: Now
Cry?: Last night
Book read?: Dont remember.
Movie watched?: something on at 2am
Person hugged?: Dawn.
Person kissed?: Karl -.-
Person you saw?: john and dawn at station
Hospital visit?: few days ago.
~Random~
What annoys the hell out of you?: People that say maybe.. or I dont know… make up your fucking mind its not that hard
What do your sheets look like?: Purple
Have any nifty talents?: I dont have a gag reflex
Been to any neat places?: I've been to lots of them.
You into the whole religion thing?: Yes.
What about sparkly and glittery stuff?: HELL YES!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, January 26, 2007
Missing you..
I miss sebastiaan so much. I called him today and told him i missed him and he said he missed me to and that he loves me and he knows that he made mistakes but i shouldnt of done what i did.
I told him i loved him too and i was so sorry that i messed up.
He said sorry too and i asked about if he had thought about changing and he said that he had already was thinking about it.
I have been advised to take it slow and to give him space and time. I just want him back. But i want him here in england with me. He needs to sort out his life and i think that would be best if he got away from his mum and holland... i feel its jsut dragging him down.. as far as i can tell.. he was only happy when we lived in cambridge.
I miss him and im going back to sleep b4 i pass out
Thursday, January 25, 2007
I almost emailed this to seb...
I doubt that you will reply to this but..
well it seems that i got what was coming to me. The other guy just used me. was only nice to me to get in to bed.
I've had the worst week at college. People calling me names all the time. Just being mean cus of who i am.
I've been sick everyday and have just given up eating cus it just keeps coming back up. Its freezing here because i cant afford money to put the heating on. =(
I miss you so much Sebastiaan. I know you proberly dont want to talk to me atm. Or ever again.
I know i have made the hugest mistake of my life and i am so sorry I just miss you so so much =((
well it seems that i got what was coming to me. The other guy just used me. was only nice to me to get in to bed.
I've had the worst week at college. People calling me names all the time. Just being mean cus of who i am.
I've been sick everyday and have just given up eating cus it just keeps coming back up. Its freezing here because i cant afford money to put the heating on. =(
I miss you so much Sebastiaan. I know you proberly dont want to talk to me atm. Or ever again.
I know i have made the hugest mistake of my life and i am so sorry I just miss you so so much =((
Monday, January 22, 2007
Letter to seb
He doesnt even know what he has been doing to hurt me.. even though i have spent the last 8 months trying to tell him. He doesnt see that what he was doing was killing me.
I have tried to fix this.. but each time i try and call him he just pushes me away even more. Tears are falling down on to the keybord as i silently so my heart out.
NO one can see how weak im being. No one can. I thought that i was worth more than a game.. that the man i love would want to spend time with me. God how wrong was I. All that he did was say things lie about what he was going to do. Make fake promices to me about spending time with me.
This was the man that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The one man that i have ever opend up to compleatly. The one man that i gave up so much for. The man that i choice to follow and suport even tho I was treated like shit.
I want to die right now. I'm already dead inside so what does it matter.
SO Seb, this is the last letter I will ever write to you. Not that you will ever find it.
My dearst Sebastiaan,
Since i first met you i have loved you with all my heart. I gave the only thing that I could give to you that was of any importance. I gave you my virginity my soul and my body. I was so happy with you. You were everything to me. I would of given the world for you. Moved mountians just to be with you.
Our first year and a half were the most amazing of my life and i highly doubt that i will ever have anything like them again. Even tho we had a sea between us. We still worked at the relationship. We still both wanted to be together.
Then when we moved in together... I cant even explaine how happy i was. It was a dream come true. I finally had the family i had dreamed of for a very long time.
I was working so hard for us to stay in Cambridge.. but you didnt get out of the sofa.. you just played computer games.. I should of listened to people then. So many warned me that you were going to brake my heart. But I was blinded by love.
Again i choice you when so many warned me of what was going to happen. I was so happy that we were together.
Then I lost my job and you had to go back to holland... I shouldnt of ever let you go back... but really would you of worked so that we could stay together.. or would you of let me do all the work.. as that was what i was doing.
As soon as I got home to england... things between us started to get bad.. you started to play wow... all most all the time.. id tell my self that you were hiding from the world as you were having such a hard time at home. That your mum was constanyly bitching at you and your friends were bein mean.
I did my best to be there for you. Finally comeing on wow and proving that you would talk to me more if i played that damned game.
SO i got a computer.. a good one and i started to play wow. I started so that i could be closer to you.. i didnt sleep so that i could get a higher lvl so that we could play together. Just now when i wanted to spend time with you i was destroying something that you enjoyed doing.. something that you liked to play. I wasnt aloud to be on wow cus i was bothering you.
I got my own wow account and working hard at trying to not bother you but still get lvl 60 so that we could play together and so that you would want to spend time with me.
I moved house in October... you compleatly forgot about my 21st birthday.. promiceing to send me something in a happy birthday email that you wrote at about dinner time 6pm. You dont know that i had spent the day waiting for just a phone call.. jsut a letter.. something to show that you gave a damn.
but now its january and i sitll dont have that letter and i still dont have a present..
you said you didnt have any money to spend on posting things to me.... but thats suprising when you spent 70 euros on a game..
You say you havent treated me badly? but just look at the emails i have sent you. I have so many more that i HAVENT sent you because I was worried that i was going to hurt you. I worried aobut you all the time. You never talked to me about anything unless it was in anger.
You made promices that you didnt keep. You will NEVER know how many times i cried my self to sleep hoping that tomorrow you would call me and talk to me for more than 5 min. How many times I prayed that you would get bored of wow and realise what a jackass you have been to me.
But none of those things ever happend. It just goes to show how much you really cared.
I KNOW what i did was a mistake and Becuase you wanted me to be honest with you I told you. I hate myself for hurtting you. BUT you still dont see that you have destroyed me.
I told you because i love you. I was honest with you because thats what i thought we agreed we would be with each other. But all you have ever done to me is lie to me.
And all i have ever done.. was believe you.
You were my one and only.
Yours forever just like i promiced.
Ruth
I have tried to fix this.. but each time i try and call him he just pushes me away even more. Tears are falling down on to the keybord as i silently so my heart out.
NO one can see how weak im being. No one can. I thought that i was worth more than a game.. that the man i love would want to spend time with me. God how wrong was I. All that he did was say things lie about what he was going to do. Make fake promices to me about spending time with me.
This was the man that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The one man that i have ever opend up to compleatly. The one man that i gave up so much for. The man that i choice to follow and suport even tho I was treated like shit.
I want to die right now. I'm already dead inside so what does it matter.
SO Seb, this is the last letter I will ever write to you. Not that you will ever find it.
My dearst Sebastiaan,
Since i first met you i have loved you with all my heart. I gave the only thing that I could give to you that was of any importance. I gave you my virginity my soul and my body. I was so happy with you. You were everything to me. I would of given the world for you. Moved mountians just to be with you.
Our first year and a half were the most amazing of my life and i highly doubt that i will ever have anything like them again. Even tho we had a sea between us. We still worked at the relationship. We still both wanted to be together.
Then when we moved in together... I cant even explaine how happy i was. It was a dream come true. I finally had the family i had dreamed of for a very long time.
I was working so hard for us to stay in Cambridge.. but you didnt get out of the sofa.. you just played computer games.. I should of listened to people then. So many warned me that you were going to brake my heart. But I was blinded by love.
Again i choice you when so many warned me of what was going to happen. I was so happy that we were together.
Then I lost my job and you had to go back to holland... I shouldnt of ever let you go back... but really would you of worked so that we could stay together.. or would you of let me do all the work.. as that was what i was doing.
As soon as I got home to england... things between us started to get bad.. you started to play wow... all most all the time.. id tell my self that you were hiding from the world as you were having such a hard time at home. That your mum was constanyly bitching at you and your friends were bein mean.
I did my best to be there for you. Finally comeing on wow and proving that you would talk to me more if i played that damned game.
SO i got a computer.. a good one and i started to play wow. I started so that i could be closer to you.. i didnt sleep so that i could get a higher lvl so that we could play together. Just now when i wanted to spend time with you i was destroying something that you enjoyed doing.. something that you liked to play. I wasnt aloud to be on wow cus i was bothering you.
I got my own wow account and working hard at trying to not bother you but still get lvl 60 so that we could play together and so that you would want to spend time with me.
I moved house in October... you compleatly forgot about my 21st birthday.. promiceing to send me something in a happy birthday email that you wrote at about dinner time 6pm. You dont know that i had spent the day waiting for just a phone call.. jsut a letter.. something to show that you gave a damn.
but now its january and i sitll dont have that letter and i still dont have a present..
you said you didnt have any money to spend on posting things to me.... but thats suprising when you spent 70 euros on a game..
You say you havent treated me badly? but just look at the emails i have sent you. I have so many more that i HAVENT sent you because I was worried that i was going to hurt you. I worried aobut you all the time. You never talked to me about anything unless it was in anger.
You made promices that you didnt keep. You will NEVER know how many times i cried my self to sleep hoping that tomorrow you would call me and talk to me for more than 5 min. How many times I prayed that you would get bored of wow and realise what a jackass you have been to me.
But none of those things ever happend. It just goes to show how much you really cared.
I KNOW what i did was a mistake and Becuase you wanted me to be honest with you I told you. I hate myself for hurtting you. BUT you still dont see that you have destroyed me.
I told you because i love you. I was honest with you because thats what i thought we agreed we would be with each other. But all you have ever done to me is lie to me.
And all i have ever done.. was believe you.
You were my one and only.
Yours forever just like i promiced.
Ruth
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