Quick catch up

Ehm i dont remember where i left of and really i cant be assed to go back and look :P (does so anyway)

Ok so its been like over a week since a REAL update. Not much happend really. Im very happy and bouncey and just genrally in a great mood.

I have like a million and one things to do. I'm just waiting for "that" phone call to see if i got this job that id really really LOVE TO HAVE like seriousely i want it.

If i work my butt of i could be owning or running my own pub this side of two years. ^_^

Talking with many friends and... I refused sex of a VERYYYY pretty boy! *proud of self*

Rich is being a compleat darling and really really helping me with well.. just everything. Love him <3

Rens is talking about moving over within like the next well 9 months lol but that would be ok if i got my job and a bigger place. my little flat is just well.. small but cute but id like something bigger.

cant type uber post. Roo happy!

gonna be changeing

gota post before ythe computer dies!!

meh again

lets seee, yesterday, Finally find the courage to get out of bed and to stop worrieing so much and go in to work. With in about 10 min im home from work and more worried than when i woke up.

You see. Now i need to either find a job. or find 2 thousand pounds by the end of the month ^_^

See I lost my job, as most of you know i have been sick the last 3 weeks. and well as i haven't been there they had to get someone else even though I had told them that I had been sick and i have a doctors note.

SO i spent most of yesterday Looking for jobs and in about 2 hours im going to go take back all my forms that I filled in and go down to the spa and ask there (local food shop place)

So now im even more stressed out. Im falling for someone I shouldnt be. An austrailen is keeping me saine and I just want a hug ^_^

meh

I know i havent updated in a few days. just cant be assed atm. Im back at mum and dads as its mothers day. I shouldnt be here. Im not wanted here. Lucy hates me. and what makes it worse. My youngest sister alice. Is getting really upset that its hurtting me. Alice is so lovely and hates that Lucy is being such a bitch to me. Mum and dad have just stoped noticeing. unless i do something then I get told of about it.

To make things easyer im just not going to come here again and work even harder so that I DONT have to move back here. I doubt i could take it if i had too.

Going back to cooking.. that acording to mum i shouldnt be doing so that lucy doesnt get mad... well its the only thing im halfway good at. so fuck them ^_^

Who knew

"Who Knew"

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right

I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said two years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrongI know better
Cause you said foreverAnd ever
Who knew
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no

I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long goneI guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better

Still you said forever
And everWho knew
Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again

And I won't forget you my friend
What happened
If someone said two years from now
You'd be long goneI'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep

My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

Lonely atm

Some times I hate being right... then I realise that I dont hate it quite that bad :P

Well suprise suprise Alex didn't turn up. Shocking really isnt it *laughs* Well I don't care I didnt even do much for if he was coming ^_^

I have decided that I need to sort my self out. Amazingly I have been thinking about my self for once and what I want.

I want someone. But i think I need to sort out my head first

There is someone that likes me.. well at least 3.. but i just dont feel anything anymore. I think im alittle to scared to feel anything Incase it goes wrong and I mess up.

Im hungry and cant think atm so im going to get some food.

In college - co writen by Paddy and Rob

Sat in college at the moment, Sat next to the lovely Paddybear <33 Irish sexpot :P

(he made me write that)

I have just sorted everything out with Sally and will hopefully have everything done by the end of next week as I'm not aloud back in the kitchen for another week. Stupid chest infection thingy.

I'm still feeling self concouse and getting to college was hard this morning. I could hear people laughing at me and it just got me all parainode again.

I went to the Doctors and they want me to have another phyc evaluation. I told them about Isobelle and that fact that I hadn't wanted to live for a while now. They got a little worried and i found that strange as well... no one should worrie about me.

They said they may want me to take some drugs to "lift" my mood. (but padz also said i should stop smokein crack that mite help a little wo wo wo padz is sexy)Its drugs or i have to have behavable therpy and well.. that doesn't really apeal to me as i don't want to talk about why im hurtting. but i do think padz wud look good in spandex or spedoes hmmmm!

rob like fudge up his bum
aka mars bars or maybe the odd snickers

things are getting alittle random here as both Rob and Paddy are wanting to write in my blog. I may update later today.

I'm at mum and dad's at the moment. They have gone to Wrexham already and i'm waiting for Dawn to come get me.

Just been sat here wondering who'd miss me if I just vanished. So far im drawing a blank, other than for Dawn and maybe Alice an John.

I could so easyerly just get up and go.

Just been talking to Seb on RuneScape. Im not sure if he knows how hard it is for me to talk to him as I just miss him so much. At least if I disapired he wouldnt have to pretend he cares anymore. No one at college would miss me. Abi doesnt talk to me anymore. Sophie or Beth wouldnt notice. If anything maybe my online friends would realise i was gone first. Even then im just someone online. So again why would they care?

Alex would just be glad i wasnt in his life anymore, the same for karl and some other guys i know.

I've lost all will to live. and i just dont care anymore.

messed up

EH im messed up. I'm getting really sick and really.. i dont want to get better. *shrugs* whats the point? I've fucked up so many peoples lives why shouldnt i hurt.

No wonder everyone leaves me and no one wants to be with me.

I got sent home from work today. Turned up there on time and everything but they wouldnt let me work cus i cant breath and im coughing alot.

Sometimes i just wish i could run away and hide. Disapire from everything.

Alex's brother thinks i forced Alex in to what happend. That i made that night happen.

Maybe i did. I just wanted to feel somekind of affection and not the normal distaine and hatred that I seem to get everywhere i go.

I dont know wether to walk away from alex to just step out of his life. Him like Seb and Karl. None of them cared for me it was just all make believe. Once more I was used to a get something that they wanted and Im not even sure i wanted. I just wanted to feel wanted. To feel that i belong somewhere or with someone.

But you see that wont ever happen as im an outsider. Im a mess. I dont fit in to the idea of "perfect" im not thin or pretty. Im just fat and ugly and easy to use.

No wonder Alex got out as soon as he could. No wonder Karl was just a one night stand. No wonder Seb ignored me so much.

Im just not worth anything. So why should I bother with my life? Why should I care anymore. I have no ne to love me. No one that tells me that they care and meen it.

Suprisingly when I say i care for someone friend or other why's i meen it. I'm so close to just stopping from believeing in anyone and to just walk away from man kind.

This human race has done nothing for me but bring me hurt and damage me.

Like i have been called so often.

I'm damaged Goods.

what an intence 25 hours i have jsut had...

Bloody hell.... my heads still spinning..

so say 3 weeks ago i met this guy called Alex.. a compleat darling.. and i started to feel something for him. Not love but something. I love being around him and talking to him and he love's talking to me etc.

So wednesday night. my friend Ryan is over helping me fix my computer and things. Alex is of bowling with co workers so were not talking much. just texting alittle.

About 5.49pm my phone rings.

Alex : "whats your flat number?"
Me: "ehmmm why?"
Alex : "just tell me"
Me : "flat one why?"

the phone goes dead and the buzzer goes... My heart goes's in to over drive and i look out the window. I cant see who it is so i start to think that someone has got the wrong buzzer. That happens alot to me.

I go out and open the door, and Alex is there... just standing there smiling at me... I am in compleat shock i dont know what to say... i invite him in and poor Ryan is like WTF lol

I get Alex inside and hug him and hug him so much. I have no idea why or how or what on earth is going on. Ryan hangs around for another hour and then goes and gets his train. I ask Alex why he is here and he said

"I just wanted to make it up to you" we hug and kiss and snuggle on the sofa. We went and got some food. We tried to watch Firefly but were kissing far to much. I was so unbeleiveablely happy. We went to bed around 9pm and well im not telling you what happend then hehe.

I could hardly sleep I was that happy after the 3rd time i could tell somethnig was wrong. I asked what it was and he said that he hated him self for being so consurned about looks but he didnt really like that i was "bigger" than he thought i would be. He went on to explaine that he had all these's expectations about meet up with me and falling in love with me. But none of them have happend.

Well that messed my head about and i shall admit i cryed. I got out of bed and went and sobbed in the bathroom. When i came back he said he was very confused and didnt know what he was feeling or what he wanted to do. So i asked him to make his mind up by 5pm as he had to leave at 6pm.

We snuggled and kisses and hugged and he said he was sorry about using how i looked against me that he was using something that hurt me against me as a scape goat as it was the easyest thing to pick on with out explaining the real reason for what he was feeling.

I did point out that if he hated me so much he wouldnt of cum 3 times already or love hugging me or kissing me etc. He agreed with me and said sorry again.

At 5pm i asked for his answer and he said that atm he thought that it would be best if we were jsut friends as he thinks he rushed in to things far to quickly. I nodded and hugged against him. my little heart brakeing once more.

i walked him to the train station and he promiced he would come again on the 9th - 11th march he asked for a good bye kiss and i said no. and preatically pushed him away i was so abrupt with him. I just wanted to hold him and kiss him and say it was ok.

he text me when he got him and we had this text convo.

him : i think basically i just wanted to make you happy and a relationship with me would do that. then once i made you happy i realised i was doing it for you.

him : yeah sorry i was just trying to make you happy since you appera to be an unhappy person. I also felt like i should because my bro is mean to you.

me: so you did all of this for a sence of dutey that you really shouldnt of felt unless you felt something for me..

him: i like making people happy and i liked the fact i was making you happy. that combined with our friendship made it seem more to me. I'm sorry.

me: lets take it slow.. but alex im not so sure you didnt compleatly feel nothing.. you wouldnt of kissed me or hugged me or reacted to my touch as much if you didnt feel anything.

me: wow think you will ever have feelings for me? and damn you were confused.

him : i have no idea. and yes i was. sorry my good intentions turned so sour.

me: well it was very rushed and you did fuck up so how about we start over cus i do care for you as a friend an i just wanted you happy even tho it seems you havent been.

him : i was happy. i just rushed in without thinking and we realised my true feelings the hard way. but sure lets start again.

him: i felt stuff for you. it just wasnt what i thought.

So... now he is coming back a week today and we are just friends. At least i found this out now and not in a few months. Luckly for me sex isnt everything and i am so glad that we can still be friends as i did and do care for him... wether or not he cares for me friendship or other whys.

Im very tired and have 3 huge hickys *laughs* I miss talking to him already... But i doubt he misses me at all.