what an intence 25 hours i have jsut had...

Bloody hell.... my heads still spinning..

so say 3 weeks ago i met this guy called Alex.. a compleat darling.. and i started to feel something for him. Not love but something. I love being around him and talking to him and he love's talking to me etc.

So wednesday night. my friend Ryan is over helping me fix my computer and things. Alex is of bowling with co workers so were not talking much. just texting alittle.

About 5.49pm my phone rings.

Alex : "whats your flat number?"
Me: "ehmmm why?"
Alex : "just tell me"
Me : "flat one why?"

the phone goes dead and the buzzer goes... My heart goes's in to over drive and i look out the window. I cant see who it is so i start to think that someone has got the wrong buzzer. That happens alot to me.

I go out and open the door, and Alex is there... just standing there smiling at me... I am in compleat shock i dont know what to say... i invite him in and poor Ryan is like WTF lol

I get Alex inside and hug him and hug him so much. I have no idea why or how or what on earth is going on. Ryan hangs around for another hour and then goes and gets his train. I ask Alex why he is here and he said

"I just wanted to make it up to you" we hug and kiss and snuggle on the sofa. We went and got some food. We tried to watch Firefly but were kissing far to much. I was so unbeleiveablely happy. We went to bed around 9pm and well im not telling you what happend then hehe.

I could hardly sleep I was that happy after the 3rd time i could tell somethnig was wrong. I asked what it was and he said that he hated him self for being so consurned about looks but he didnt really like that i was "bigger" than he thought i would be. He went on to explaine that he had all these's expectations about meet up with me and falling in love with me. But none of them have happend.

Well that messed my head about and i shall admit i cryed. I got out of bed and went and sobbed in the bathroom. When i came back he said he was very confused and didnt know what he was feeling or what he wanted to do. So i asked him to make his mind up by 5pm as he had to leave at 6pm.

We snuggled and kisses and hugged and he said he was sorry about using how i looked against me that he was using something that hurt me against me as a scape goat as it was the easyest thing to pick on with out explaining the real reason for what he was feeling.

I did point out that if he hated me so much he wouldnt of cum 3 times already or love hugging me or kissing me etc. He agreed with me and said sorry again.

At 5pm i asked for his answer and he said that atm he thought that it would be best if we were jsut friends as he thinks he rushed in to things far to quickly. I nodded and hugged against him. my little heart brakeing once more.

i walked him to the train station and he promiced he would come again on the 9th - 11th march he asked for a good bye kiss and i said no. and preatically pushed him away i was so abrupt with him. I just wanted to hold him and kiss him and say it was ok.

he text me when he got him and we had this text convo.

him : i think basically i just wanted to make you happy and a relationship with me would do that. then once i made you happy i realised i was doing it for you.

him : yeah sorry i was just trying to make you happy since you appera to be an unhappy person. I also felt like i should because my bro is mean to you.

me: so you did all of this for a sence of dutey that you really shouldnt of felt unless you felt something for me..

him: i like making people happy and i liked the fact i was making you happy. that combined with our friendship made it seem more to me. I'm sorry.

me: lets take it slow.. but alex im not so sure you didnt compleatly feel nothing.. you wouldnt of kissed me or hugged me or reacted to my touch as much if you didnt feel anything.

me: wow think you will ever have feelings for me? and damn you were confused.

him : i have no idea. and yes i was. sorry my good intentions turned so sour.

me: well it was very rushed and you did fuck up so how about we start over cus i do care for you as a friend an i just wanted you happy even tho it seems you havent been.

him : i was happy. i just rushed in without thinking and we realised my true feelings the hard way. but sure lets start again.

him: i felt stuff for you. it just wasnt what i thought.

So... now he is coming back a week today and we are just friends. At least i found this out now and not in a few months. Luckly for me sex isnt everything and i am so glad that we can still be friends as i did and do care for him... wether or not he cares for me friendship or other whys.

Im very tired and have 3 huge hickys *laughs* I miss talking to him already... But i doubt he misses me at all.