New years

First Happy New Years to everyone.

Second man im tired lol

Been thinking so much lately... wondering whats best for me... he isnt. I think.. i dont know.. im so comfused.. im going to spend some more time thinking...

New years

First Happy New Years to everyone.

Second man im tired lol

Been thinking so much lately... wondering whats best for me... he isnt. I think.. i dont know.. im so comfused.. im going to spend some more time thinking...

fuck

Ok im shaking and im cold but i have had enough, i AM SO MUCH BETTER THAN A GAME!

thats it im tired and im fed up.

ITS ME OR THE GAME.

Pick one and live with it.

*yawns*

I have been thinking so much lately, I doubt thats any good. But I have figured one thing out. I know where I want to get proposed to.

I want to be taken for a meal at the restraunt at college.
Then i want my man to get down on one knee just after pudding and propose to me in front of the whole restrant.

Lol I'm gonna keep on dreaming. My ear is still bad. But I have to go now, work at 10am.

Oh James turned up at my door today. it was really nice to see him ^_^

OH!@! even better... Seb ... played WoW AND talked to me on msn! He gave me time and it was amazing. I am very happy he told me I (ME) was his everything and that he loved that I was romantic and that he loves me very much.

Going to sleep. Love Roo

ear popping

My ear hurts. I keeps popping. I cant believe that its 16th dec already. Alice is coming over to mine tomorrow afternoon for her christmas pressent. (stopping over at mine for a girly night)

I'm so very tired, Tim came over last night and we had a good time. I dont have to work until wednesday, so thats a good thing im well tired.

I havent stoped thinking about Seb for the last few days. He is out atm i think, going to the pub later proberly. I love him.. thats.. well its all i can say. I love him compleatly and wish so much that i could hug him right now.

Progress

After last night i was kinda pissed at seb so i emailed him and called him a bastard. Well it seems that he wasnt online lastnight, that or he has blocked it from his memory. Either way he called me just now thinking that I had been calling his house, (i have been washing up) he asked why i called him that and I explained that I had asked two diffent people and both had told me that he was online. He said that I should of asked him about it instead of jumping to conclutions. I then pointed out that when in the past i have asked him about lieing to me about being online he has out rightly lied to my face. He then understould where i was coming from. He then said he was going and bye and hung up.

I was just about to burst in to tears and he called back, and just said "I really still love you alot i'll talk to you later"

He called back..that in its self is just amazing.. to ring back takes a deliberate conscious action.

Meaning he atually thought about how I was feeling and how I had reacted and then acted on it to how he was feeling!!

*happy*

Tired

I just tried going to sleep.. but well its not going to happen anytime soon.

I got to talk to Seb today, I did have to get a friend to go on WoW and see if he was online then get him to come on msn.

We talked for 2 hours there abouts and he told me he was going to bed... I just asked myfriend to check again on WoW and guess what... yup.. he lied and is playing on WoW.

Ruth feels worthless right now. Once he atually wanted to talk to me and couldnt wait for me to get online just so we could talk about crap. Now he cant get away from me fast enough.

Now it seems that i can be lied to and just thrown around and used when ever. I feel ... shit.

He'd rarther spend time on a computer game than with me...

Not Perfect

I havent updated for a while, been kinda busy and been here and there, Im tired and its the last day of college tomorrow. I have to remember to bring all my things home >_<
Its almost christmas.. and its hardly even cold. Global warming sucks big time.

Seb may have a job so thats some really good news. Hopefully this time he will stick to the rules and remember that he cant make his own ones until he owns his own business.

I have work in 4 hours.

I have kind of an idea of what to get seb for christmas.... but to be honest im kinda unsure wether to give him anything as he still hasnt sent me my birthday pressent the one that he says that he has got. It makes me wonder if he is happy for this to be an online realationship so that he doesnt have to work at it.

It makes me sad that I put so much effort in to this relationship and he still spends more time on a game than talking to me. Maybe thats because thats all im worth. I wish he could see that i am a fun person to be around. and that I have more to me than just sex.

Feeling kinda worthless atm. going to read :)

To be or not to be....

Today.. well it wasnt one of the best, i've been banned from going to myboyfriends house ever again, and im not even aloud to talk to him anymore. I just emailed sebs mum to ask if i could come visit him over new year.

at the moment im sat on my sofa and im sobbing myheart out, tears are running down myface and im shaking. I have to say this.. i have to get it out of my system. I know he doesnt love me like he used too. I know that i have disapointed so many people. My mum and dad and my god. all for someone that doesnt love me or treat me how i should be treated.

I hate my self for messing everything up, i just wanted to be loved. I just wanted the Sebastiaan of when i first met him. before that fucking game, before the move to cambridge.

I just want to be loved.

*stress*

first have to say that dragon force was stupidly amazing last night. ^_^ loved it.

second Im stressing and proberly about things that arn't even my problems.

Im worried about seb as always. Im worried that im worrying about seb to much and im worried about money

i cant even help or be there for the man i love. its so fucking frustrating
We havent seen each other since august and he is going to be alone at christmas and new year cus his mum and sister are going on fucking holiday and leaving him behind! I cant even go see him cus i dont have the money, and i just know he is going to sit there in a lonely house and get depressed. I dont know what to do. He needs me but i cant be there. I just dont have the money.

I just want him to be happy and with some one that cares.

Happyer

I'm starting to feel happyer within my self, I have had a good day at work and gotten more hours. I have calmed myself down about Sebastiaan. I realised that he is only 18 and well he is young enough to make his own mistakes atm.

Weight and exersize

Good day ^_^ been exersizing having fun atually. Really starting to believe that I am able to start to lose to weight. Currently argueing with Mangus who doesnt believe that I am 254 pounds. (18stone 11 in english)

I would like to lose a few pounds I think 230 will be my first goal thats minus 24 pounds. I wonder what I will look like lol. Don't worrie I will Keep you up dated.

"Being overweight is not about food. Being overweight only covers up my suffering. Although I have been through hell and back more times than I can remember, I have survived more things than most people can handle, and it was those hard times that made me the strong woman that I am today.

I am capable of reaching my goals. I am capable of being victorious. I am capable of accomplishing great things. Losing weight is within my reach. "

This was in my old blog and really made me think, I am already for tomorrow so bring it the fuck on!

Song that I live by..

"Endlessly"


There's a part of me you'll never know,
The only thing I'll never show

Hopelessly I'll love you endlessly
Hopelessly I'll give you everything
But I won't give you up
I won't let you down
And I won't leave you falling
If the moment ever comes
It's plain to see it's trying to speak

Cherished dreams forever asleep

Hopelessly I'll love you endlessly
Hopelessly I'll give you everything
But I won't give you up
I won't let you down
And I won't leave you falling
If the moment ever comes
Hopelessly I'll love you endlessly
Hopelessly I'll give you everything
But I won't give you up
I won't let you down
And I won't leave you falling
But the moment never comes

Hopelessly I wait for you

Sick

Im sick, of mind or body? I do not know.

I feel so weak and helpless in my body.

My mind is a mess I do not know what I want or even who I am anymore.

I have been getting depressed about the smallest things and ignorning the bigger ones that I really shouldnt be ignoring. I feel alone yet im surounded by some amazing people. Im so tired.

So so so tired

Been thinking.... Proberly not so good.

Why do I feel that what ever I am doing is so far from the great things that I was put on this earth for.

Why am I here?

Happy

Ruthy, would you please concider being my girlfriend agian?

My gosh how long have i wanted to hear those little words. Sebastiaan and I are back together and I couldnt be happyer.

I just read this http://www.wow-europe.com/en/community/wowparents.html on Wow its so sweet, kinda reminds me of when Seb and I met.

We met in November about 2 years ago. Just working for Larryr. All i said to him was "wow" ironically thats the game that we are playing now.

Dakmor Shade was wearing guthix armor, back then it was one of the best armors there was. It was just rune with funky green trim.

I dont even remeber what I was wearing.. i just remember feeling that i should talk to that person.

*sighs happyly* Happy days those. I remember dreaming that we would end up like that lucky couple.

You had me at hello..

Hehe, wow what a night, not much really happend in the standards of any normal person. But for me it was wonderful.

I got home from college and turned on my computer and I had an email of some one. Sebastiaan emailed me... and it wasnt anything bad. He just wanted to chat. I am and was in compleat shock. I couldnt stop smiling all night.

Well I settled down to watchJerry Maguire and it was lovely, then about half way though that film Seb emailed me again!

that one i couldnt stop laughing in joy at i was so happy that he had taken the time to write to me, I must be importiant to him in some way!

Im very happy :)

In the Pink

Mhmmm im feeling in a pink mood, my towel is pink, my shower gel was pink, my dressing gown is pink and i feel like some pink tea. I redescovred the joys of living alone and a bottle of talcempoweder. I had a lovely hot shower that provberly cost around 3 pounds to heat the water and then tried of with some talc it was fun to make white foot prints all over my black bathmat *giggle* For once i felt some joy and playfulness... it was nice.

Im listening to calming music and i just genrally feel good. Things are sovery far from perfect. But right now in this bubble of time I am happy.

I had a good day at work. My manager said i did wonderful today. Well i did spend the day on my hands and knees cleaning the shelves and restocking lol.

I had some wonderful soup from Poppys for dinner.

I cleaned the house and had fun while doing it.

Im all ready for tomorrow and what ever it will bring.

I know im unsure about God and things, but if God is listening to me, Thank you for today and please please please look after Sebas. And please be with Dan tonight as he has lost someone very importiant to him.

First day of work

Got my first day of work in about half an hour finding it hard to eat anything my tummys all bubbly.

Seb called me yesterday because he was worried about me. Was kind of sweet really. Tho he said he would call again, but i doubt he will. I miss him and love him.

Weight and things

Things with Sebastiaan are getting better, I think. I'm giving him some space atm wont be talking to him until Wednesday thats in 5 days. I just want him to be able to think about us and for him to realise that i dont want to hurt him. I just want to love him and make him happy.

I'll let you know what happens on wednesday or if he calls me before that.

I got on the scales today and they said that i am 19stone. I really shouldnt of eaten those 6 packets of crisps yesterday just because i was feeling depressed. So yet again im going to indever to lose weight should be easyer now that im running out of cash and that i dont really have much food left in the house.. well food that i cant just eat things i have to cook.

Im hopeing to get an exersize dvd for christmas as id like to work out more. Im going to have to start walking to and from college as well so thats about 4 miles a day when im going to college.

Going to have to go now, Emmas here and were going to watch a movie.

I feel sick. Im going to call Seb in about 10 min. I want to talk to him about somethings. I wrote this to him last night but just didnt send it.


Well I get the point,
you don’t want to talk to me, hence the no replying to emails but amazingly managing to play WoW for hours at a time. I honestly didn’t know that writing an email took soooo damn long. Almost as long as a raid!
The 5 min phone convos, that last for at the longest 10 min. like OMG A RECORD!!
Even as "just friends" people still talk and put more effort in to a friendship than you do. But don’t worry I have got the message loud and clear.
And now i get why you don’t want my new home phone number you wont have to call. Oh wait! it doesn’t matter you don’t want to talk to me.
So Seb. If you really do have all those girls wanting you, those that are there, so fuck them. None will love you like I do, be there for you like I was, give you the attention and support that I did.
I get it now, that you don’t really want to talk to me. Let alone spend time with me. Well I guess that when you promised to email at least once a week you were lying, just another promise you broke.
So going on that you brake promises and that you lie about wanting to keep promises I guess that everything else you said to me was a lie.
It was never that hard to just write a 5 min email a day, your the one that made it complicated. Your the one that is driving me away. Your the one that didn’t want to be like your dad.

Your the one that stopped careing.

thats what im going to talk to him about. he's gonna get mad.

WoW FTW!

WORLD OF WARCRAFT® THE BURNING CRUSADE™IN STORES JANUARY 16, 2007 Street date set for the expansion to Blizzard Entertainment®’s massively multiplayer online role-playing game as subscriber base reaches 7.5 million players worldwide

Seb

This is Sebastiaan, He.. he has been a huge part of my life for the last 2 years. I loved and still love him with everything i have.

I will explaine as maybe it will sort out my head getting all of this down.

Seb and I met on an online computer game called Runescape in November 2004. By January 2005 we were dateing. Only online, but i felt like i had known this man forever, he was so easy to talk to and didnt judge me at all. In Feb 2005 i was invited to his house in holland for a week, I was so excited i went and we met and it was amazing. (The first photo was taken then by his mum)

I felt that I had found my soul mate, and i belived that. I gave my self to him in everyway. I dont regret it at all. We managed to talk to each other almost everyday, and see each other about every 3-4 months for times as long as 3 weeks. In the july of 2005 i went to sebs for 3 weeks. then the following October for my birthday he came to england for 3 weeks.

In that year we got engaged and we brought promice rings, Faithfully promiceing our selfs to the other. I can not explaine how happy i was. I had found the man of my dreams and he loved and wanted to be with me.

When he was over in October i got accepted to work for Jagex the company that made the game we met on! We were both extactic and were soon making plans for my move. I moved down to Cambrige the day after Seb went back to holland. I loved working there and often smile to my self on my way to work as i was so happy.

Seb was having a hard time at home in Holland so i promiced him that on his birthday i would take him away from that place and keep him safe. Febuary comes around again, and i go over for Sebs birthday, He moved back to England with me the day after his birthday, and what comes next are the 3 happyest months of my life even tho two very big bad things happen.

I miss-carrie our 12 week old baby, and the week after that i lose my job, for a very pathetic reason. We try hard to make it work for the next month. But we both run out of money and we have to go back to our perents.

Things after that just go down hill.. I am still not sure why, but i belive that we both dealt with being apart diffently. Seb realised how much it took to run a house and a family. This scared him.

We broke up in October 2006, just a week after my birthday. The 5 months before hand had been hard on both of us. I tried to help him but it seemed what ever i did made things worse.

The reasons for Seb leaving me were that he couldnt provide for me. He still loves me, he just doesnt know if thats love like we had or love as a friend.

I'm not sure he will ever read this but I love him as much as i always have each day alittle more.

Its November now, and im back moved out on my own. Happy with my self, but missing just one part of mylife that i love dearly.

I felt that i had to get this out of me, its been pent up inside of me for a long time.

My friends dont understand why i love him anymore, not after the way i have been treated by him..

But they didnt see how great he was to me, how he looked after me and loved me when no one else would even look at me. Its not the big things he did, its the small things as well. I dont just love you Seb, Im in love with you. Your the one that makes me happy :)

Going out

Going out shouldnt be this scarey.. im not even going out until Wed, and i'm not even sure if it's a date or "just friends" eitehr way i'm going to look cute, something i dont say about myself very often.

I may post a pic, but im feeling very sexy, in a black skirt and top, black fishnets and high heals.

going to practice walking!

Bye

Good goodness its cold here (hence the blue) but i have goodnews! my landlady called and i have some men coming to make my house warmer. about damn time hehe.

Making breakfast. bye ^_^

This is me, yea i know im cute :P hehe
I should get a pic of me in my chef whites tho they dont stay white for very long. That pic was taken about 6 months ago. I havent changed that much.

First post..

Just got sent a cute guys blog so i thought id start my own as well. ^_^

Currently its freezeing. I cant feel my toes, and holy mother of god that stupid frog needs to die >_<