Letter to seb

He doesnt even know what he has been doing to hurt me.. even though i have spent the last 8 months trying to tell him. He doesnt see that what he was doing was killing me.

I have tried to fix this.. but each time i try and call him he just pushes me away even more. Tears are falling down on to the keybord as i silently so my heart out.

NO one can see how weak im being. No one can. I thought that i was worth more than a game.. that the man i love would want to spend time with me. God how wrong was I. All that he did was say things lie about what he was going to do. Make fake promices to me about spending time with me.

This was the man that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The one man that i have ever opend up to compleatly. The one man that i gave up so much for. The man that i choice to follow and suport even tho I was treated like shit.

I want to die right now. I'm already dead inside so what does it matter.

SO Seb, this is the last letter I will ever write to you. Not that you will ever find it.

My dearst Sebastiaan,

Since i first met you i have loved you with all my heart. I gave the only thing that I could give to you that was of any importance. I gave you my virginity my soul and my body. I was so happy with you. You were everything to me. I would of given the world for you. Moved mountians just to be with you.

Our first year and a half were the most amazing of my life and i highly doubt that i will ever have anything like them again. Even tho we had a sea between us. We still worked at the relationship. We still both wanted to be together.

Then when we moved in together... I cant even explaine how happy i was. It was a dream come true. I finally had the family i had dreamed of for a very long time.

I was working so hard for us to stay in Cambridge.. but you didnt get out of the sofa.. you just played computer games.. I should of listened to people then. So many warned me that you were going to brake my heart. But I was blinded by love.

Again i choice you when so many warned me of what was going to happen. I was so happy that we were together.

Then I lost my job and you had to go back to holland... I shouldnt of ever let you go back... but really would you of worked so that we could stay together.. or would you of let me do all the work.. as that was what i was doing.

As soon as I got home to england... things between us started to get bad.. you started to play wow... all most all the time.. id tell my self that you were hiding from the world as you were having such a hard time at home. That your mum was constanyly bitching at you and your friends were bein mean.

I did my best to be there for you. Finally comeing on wow and proving that you would talk to me more if i played that damned game.

SO i got a computer.. a good one and i started to play wow. I started so that i could be closer to you.. i didnt sleep so that i could get a higher lvl so that we could play together. Just now when i wanted to spend time with you i was destroying something that you enjoyed doing.. something that you liked to play. I wasnt aloud to be on wow cus i was bothering you.

I got my own wow account and working hard at trying to not bother you but still get lvl 60 so that we could play together and so that you would want to spend time with me.

I moved house in October... you compleatly forgot about my 21st birthday.. promiceing to send me something in a happy birthday email that you wrote at about dinner time 6pm. You dont know that i had spent the day waiting for just a phone call.. jsut a letter.. something to show that you gave a damn.

but now its january and i sitll dont have that letter and i still dont have a present..

you said you didnt have any money to spend on posting things to me.... but thats suprising when you spent 70 euros on a game..

You say you havent treated me badly? but just look at the emails i have sent you. I have so many more that i HAVENT sent you because I was worried that i was going to hurt you. I worried aobut you all the time. You never talked to me about anything unless it was in anger.

You made promices that you didnt keep. You will NEVER know how many times i cried my self to sleep hoping that tomorrow you would call me and talk to me for more than 5 min. How many times I prayed that you would get bored of wow and realise what a jackass you have been to me.

But none of those things ever happend. It just goes to show how much you really cared.


I KNOW what i did was a mistake and Becuase you wanted me to be honest with you I told you. I hate myself for hurtting you. BUT you still dont see that you have destroyed me.

I told you because i love you. I was honest with you because thats what i thought we agreed we would be with each other. But all you have ever done to me is lie to me.

And all i have ever done.. was believe you.

You were my one and only.

Yours forever just like i promiced.

Ruth