Its been a while...

Coming back to my blog is a very odd thing. I wish so much that I have had time to write here as even in 3 weeks (ish) so much has happend to me.

Its 4.30am and im not asleep. Im normaly in bed by now atleast and passed out as its a tuesday night and i have to be at work in 4.5 hours.

But im not in my bed. Bob is. I'm worried about Bob alot. This is the coffee guy i have talked about him before. No were not having sex or kissing or anything like that. But i am telling him I love him. Because he needs to know he is loved. Let me start from the begining.

I wasnt ment to work a close tonight I was only ment to work till 12. But I ended up staying till 1am. It had been very busy and there was only two on a close (its hard enough on a quite night) I decided I wanted to go and have breakfast the next day before work. I supose as a little treat. I havent seen Bob in a while only talked via text. So I textd him asking if he wanted to meet up for breakie and he told me that once again he had no money and that he needed stern words. This confused me and I thought he ment that I had done something wrong.

By the time I got home I was exausted I had been talking to Richard as I walked home I had been feeling pretty blue all day for some reason and ended up crying on the phone to him. Bob texted me again saying he was pretty fucked and if he could pop over.

This worried me as i knew he had taken class A drugs at the weekend. Something I had told him off for.

He turns up about 5 min later and I know something isnt ok. We sit on my sofa and he starts to explaine. And crys. Bless him this boy is broken and hurtting so badly. I have known for a while something is wrong but Bob is the "strong" guy that always looks out for everyonee else and "doesnt" need looking after. I hug him lots and tell him that he is stopping over and that we will have brakefast in the morning (im not going to go over what is up setting him as thats bettween us) we get in to bed and talk alittle and he basically tells me that he cant talk to me about it because I havent "been though the same" and that i can compleatly understand. But I did point out that I didnt want to be that person, I wanted to be the person that he just talked at when he felt shit, the one that he'd always know would care about him and tell him he is loved. When i said that i love him (as a friend only i did point out) his whole body clentched and you could tell he was fighting back tears so i just let it drop. I told him once more that I loved him and hugged him tightly and rolled over so that he could get some sleep. Sleep that by his snoring he really needed :P

I know that all i can do is wait and just be there for him, and tell him that there is someone that cares.

As for the rest of my life.

Richard... im going down to his on monday and im very much looking forward to it even if im sleeping in his tent =D worried about Rich, he is having some magior heart and or cheast pains. Each time I hear him cry out in pain he just hangs up on me so that i cant hear him hurtting.

Weight. Not lost much. but not put any more on ^_^

Work, exausting but fun, and i got told that people knew i was working very hard.

Family. Lucy turned 16 on the 24th. and johns working hard. Mums been going to hospital alot lately. alittle worried. Dads tired and alice is as lovely abd bubbly as ever.

While im away Lucy is going to house sit for me and mums gonna clean the house >_<

Gonna go find something else to do. Wow is down so cant play that lol.

HEHE

Im happy. ITs 2.36am and im happy lol

I have been for a while. Not something im used to. But something i could really REALLY get used too.

Working a shit lot atm. But i still get to talk to rich. Holiday is only like 27 days away!

**Must book place to stay and bus tickets**

I cant wait to seee him i miss him so much!!

Plus I get a WHOLE week to my self... gah sleep! <333 and just realxing.

IM going to bed as i have to go to college tomorrow. Dont want too but Dee said i need to when i left my folder in the place that I said I would... stupid woman -.-

So i going back to the hated place one last time. Dave and I swaped shifts so im not doing 12 - 12 tomorrow but a 3 - close only a few hours less than my orgional shift.

Then back at the flower place 9-5 wed and thurs bur friday i start work at 6 - close so im gonna sleep alot friday :P heehee

anywho im off to bed.

<3

hmmm

Well once again i open my blog with the intent of writing lots of things down. But well i cant. im exausted y next week is looking something like this:

Mon: work 6 -12
Tus: work 4 - 12
Wed: work 9 - 5
Thur: work 9 - 5
Fri: work 7 - close
Sat: work 7 - 12
Sun: work 6 - close

total = 50 hours a week of work so around 250 pounds in the week ^_^

working alot. and getting the money in. In 35 days i'll be going to Southend on sea. I cant wait!! Im so excited. i must make time to call the Bed and Breackfast i want to stay at.

I'm quite looking forward to my weeks holiday. Getting alittle stressed out atm over things that i wont go in to yet.

Im tired but happy.

college and things

wellllll only 2 days of college left i cant bloody wait. i hate the place. i go back there and everything is fucked up my teachers even shouted at me today. I almost quit as well.

randomness of 4am

somem random facts

- I went to work in the light... I came home in the light... I work nights (yay for seeing the dawn)

- I can work as well with a sprained ankle as i can without one. (rarther bloody well and now cant get out of hours at work :P)

- someone that pisses me of at work isnt ever comming back (happy bounce)

- I can do a plausable clover on a guiness (amazed gasp it looks shit but its getting better!!)

- Mum thinks im losing weight (more happy bounce)

- I am very happy

- I have a plan that i am going to make work and make someone i care about very happy (giggle + evil laugh)

Just something I knocked up on msn for someone <3

Looking out over the waves as the sea crashes against the rocks far below Ruth sighs. Biting her lip she pushes her hair from her face. the wind just tangling it up even more. "its going to take forever to get it untangled" she catchs her self thinking. Gripping the railing she thinks "but im not going back.. how can i?" Tears threaten to spill down her cheeks as she thinks why she isnt going back. "Richard" she says softly the wind capturing her whimper. Closing her eyes she thinks back to the last time she saw him. Watching him get on to that plane and head out over to germany following some kind of lead on the ever growing family tree that he had been investigateing for the last 7 years. But on a day like this. the winds and storms causing the plane to crash. the police turning up at there home. the agony of knowing she wouldnt ever see him again. A sob racks though her body and clings to the railing and steps up. Clambering over the rails and holding on to them Looking down in to the swerling depths. The only thing she sees is his face. the one man that she has truely loved compleatly. Leanind forwards so only her finger tips are anchoring her to land. she sobs out her pain. the loss of losing him, of beomcing only half a person. Taking one last breath she lets go. Gasping as she doesnt fall forwards and down to the depths. Feeling strong hands on her wrists pulling her back. Lifting her over the rails and holding her tightly "no red no dont leave me" she hears. her heart jumps. No its cant be him.. it cant. Fearful she looks up in to the green blue eyes of the man she thought she had lost for ever. "dont leave me Red. I love you"

Just got the new linkin park album

Just got the new linkin park album and i really quite like it. One song that i jsut find beautiful is "On a Valentine's day" the music and lyrics are just beautiful.

Im thinking of going back in to writing. I kinda miss doing it. By writing i meen more than just my blog. Maybe starting a book or something agian. Not sure. I do have alot to write about i just have no idea where to start. I have so many ideas.

well im gonna go spend some time with word :P

have a great day guys and girls <3

oh btw

Im really happy =D

*happy sigh*

Im loved and wanted and a good girl ^_^

Richard and I have made a time table so that I have alittle more order in my life and I can get everything that i need to do done.

With our intresting realtionship and my desire not to fuck up again he draw it up in word and sent it to me with a little warning at the bottom telling me :

IF YOU DON’T DO THIS, I WILL AVOID SERIOUS CONVERSATION AND/OR NOT VERBALLY TALK TO YOU. YOU WERE WARNED.

It scared the pants off me as i dont want to disapoint him again. Isnt phycoligy wonderful? I've made my life better by wanting to do what Richard wants me to do But we worked out the timetable together. o.0

I have no idea if i am making any sence hehe but im happy. there is time in my life for everything I want to do. everything from, playing wow and talking to Richard to exersizing and doing house work.

And getting my body in to shape ^_^ I'm excited about this as I just want to please him. and i know that me being happy makes him happy. ^_^

Hiding in my hoody

I went to work an hour early so i came home ^_^ im now working till close when i thought i was working until 12 ^_^ I' m watching Rich atm. and i feel sick. He is talking to someone called chris and he looks so pretty. He is proberly on wow hence him consentrating so much. Its cute. I'm shaking like a leaf waiting for him to tell Holly that he doesnt want to talk to her anymore. =/

If she doesnt like him like that then thats great and things will be fine.

If she does like him... well id make him pick her over me. He should be happy. Happy with someone near him.

Holiday

I think that I have decied that i am in need of a holiday. I have been working my ass of and I think im going to take a few days off and go down to the sea side. ^_^

I should get some good books as im just going to lay there in the sun and read :P

I know i know I have to pay rent first and i should be able to do that.

I think i get around £160 today.

£10 on eletric and £5 on bus and things.

i'll take out £130 for rent and save it in my pot.

Then all I need is £155 that i should get next week (friday) when i get paid. I will have to see what my phone bill is like. But other than that I should be ok. *sighs* we will see. I'll go to the bank on the way home and see whats in there. ^_^

College

Well im in college atm. Tired but proud of myself that i managed to drag my self out of my house and not pass out.

Rich told me he "likes" someone else at his school. Now ofc this has floored me. but i am being logical and I have to step back as I am just a girl on the internet and thats it. Sure I have feelings for him big ones. But we havent met yet even tho i am doing my best too.

I finish college in 2 weeks and im thinking of going down to Southend-on-sea to see him. It wont cost me much (yes im already looking at costs and things) and stopping in a bed and breakfast for 2 nights would only cost £40 (£20 a night) and the bus/coach thing down would be arouind £40's as well sooo all in all thats going to be around £100. Not sure if i have that spare atm. but i need to start living within my means. when i get home later im really going to sit down and try and figure out my moneys and such. I know damn well I have enough for everything I just need to start sorting it out properly.

I wonder if he will want me to come over, if he will like me still when i get there.. I have so many questions and doubts.

I'm also worried about what will happen today at his school when he tells this girl he likes her. She is there and around him much MUCH more than I am. She could make him happy and give him hugs and kisses where i cant. I guess im just insucure and worrieing over nothing. But it could still happen.

I am lypiphera I am the pain bearer. I can take it.

He called me delicate last night. I've never known someone that has understould me so well. That can see past my defensese and still care about the broken and hurting person that time doing my best to hide.

And he still loves me. After everything that i have done. He still loves me.

I have no idea what to write

Once again im tired and in pain and find my self writing in my Blog o.0

The last week has been a blur. and its made roo roo very tired ^_^

I've had to call in sick to work cus i have HUGE UBER PAINFUL cramps that made me sick =(

I'm over bob.

But upset Richard and am being punished for being a bad girl. I hate being ignored like this but I know that it will be over soon. I just have to wait for him to talk to me. I shouldnt of done what i did. I know he loves me but this i have to deal with as i made a mistake.

I had a really bad day at work yesterday. I had around 16 middle aged men get rarther agressive towards me as i wouldnt sereve someone them drinks cus they had had to much.

One good thing that happend at work was that i have a job interview for a team leader possiton ^_^ I dont think i will get it but i am showing that I want to move forwards within the company.

Man im tired. I wanna hug someone lol

In wow news. I got lvl 62 and a lvl 70 horde helped me quest today 0.o

Ho hummm it was bound to happen

well. Isabelle is be coming more promiment within my personaltly. Its what i wanted. But im finding it odd that there are things that i am doing that i just dont care about anymore.

i may write more another time. or may not even dwell on what i have been doing anymore. we shall see.

Im losing weight and im LOVING the compliment that i am getting. Plus im up for a premotion at work :O

Bleh

Why am I always the Friend and nothing more? Bob has a date with a girl on sat. Going for dinner or some such.

He said that she isnt the prettyest girl but she is intresting. So it seems im well and truely in that friends list. I bet she is thin tho.

Im pretty and i have a really good personalty. Even bobs mum said that to me today. but thats all ignored just cus im overweight.

well im feeling great can you tell. So should i just go up to him and point out how shallow he is being or just curl up and die. We gett on so well. and he shows he cares by just saying little things. he even waved me over today when i walked past to get some dinner.

i jsut want to scream and shout at him and hit him so damn hard. im going back to working out then shower.

Tired, and days of work

Well first of all its Dawns birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAWN!!! <333 Will see you in a few hours.


Dawn... wow we have been thought alot together. I'm proud to call you friend, and even more so to call you Sister. I love you so much I wish that I could do as much as you have done for me. I just want you to know that when ever you need me i'll be there for you. I wish i could put in to words how much you meen to me. your family and i care alot about you. dont eat to much sweet and sour tonight :P love you lots Roo xx



Im heading to wrexham tonight, so that will be good. i havent seen my brother in about 3 weeks let alone anyone else that is over there.

Im feeling lonely atm. Not cus i dont have peoplee that care about me, just for the fact that im just not connecting with them. Im locking my self away again. I dont want to be hurt.

Talking of hurt. I talked to Seb a few days ago. I've missed talking to him. But this time i didnt feel anything towards him.

Bobs just pissing me off "he doesnt know why" he kissed me back, so im walking away from that one.

Rich... im happy with Rich. I just wish he was nearer. sure its ok to call him when ever i want but i want to be able to hug him and kiss him when ever i want. I miss him alot.

Going to go pack for brothers now. Im tired ^_^

To much time to think at work...

Well alot has happend in the last 14 days since i last updated lol. Short day to day update me thinks.

Since the 30th april i had been in a coffee shop called cafe neros, the day was lovely i had a good book, looked good and damn there was a good view.

So

Monday 30th - 2 hours at Cafe Nero's drinking and reading, writing alot in my written journal, casually watching coffee guy.

Tusday 1st May - Mum comes over and we go to Cafe Neros much watching of coffee guy and talking to Mum and catching up.

Wednesday 2nd - Go and see if number 6 wants to go for a coffee, once again back at Cafe Nero's. I suspect he thinks im stalking him LOL.

Wed- night, i am convinced by Drummer and Nate (two guy mates) that I should give cute coffee guy my number in the form of a note... I write the note that night.

Thursday 3rd - I am in the coffee shop for 10.30am ish. he isnt there!! *panic!!* I text Drummer and he tells me to chill and to drink my coffee and that I cant leave unless I give this guy my number. So I wait. Finally someone comes and clears my table and we get talking. She is nice, she watchs my eyes as coffee guy walks past and asks if I like him. I say yes and she asks if id like to talk to him. I blush red and ask her to give him the note and all but run from the shop with a HUGE grin on my face.

Around 4pm he texts me, saying that it was nice but he wasn't looking for a realtionship and that he is called Bob, i text him back and point out that I havent said that I want a realtionship. We agree to meet up that night at my house. I panic and realises I have to clean. He comes over at around 6.30pm we have tea and talk ALOT.

He leaves around 8pm, and we text most of Friday and Sat, I leave work half way thought on Sat cus I have once again over worked my self (must remember to rest)

Sunday 6th - were texting I ask him to only do things if he wants to do them not because he thinks he has too (learnt from Alex) I'm not very well at this point and i get woken up by a bangging on my window. Bob's standing there with a grin, he walks in and sits me on the sofa and makes us both a cup of tea. (Im in shock that he has come back) we talk again and he has to go so I say that he can come back later if he wants as i have called in sick. He comes back around 10pm but he is texting a friend and some thing comes up and he seems really upset that he cant stay "I wanted to make time for you"

He leaves and we hug. We keep texting constantly. Im working alot and so is he.

He adds me to his msn on the 9th may and his mum talks to me on it (she and all the family use it) She is a REALLY nice lady and we talk alittle. Bob comes home and says he is going out and may come over. Not for sure but he may.

So im on edge all night, he doesnt turn up and im sat on msn around 11.30 and he comes online

"and i didnt come round thought it may b bit late n didnt wanna b ungenlemanly"
So i tell him to come over if he wants.

He gets here within about 10 min. He stays till 4am. we just talk and watch movies. AND HUG for the first time!!

I told him he had crap hugs so we hug again :P

Thursday I have off college cus well... I cant stand going there anymore, I hate it. Bob and I talk on msn around 3.30pm and he invites me to his for a cuppa! So I go, im there till about 8pm, i got invited to stay for dinner by his mum and played Bob at darts. I had the most wonderful dinner my fave Mac and cheese :D

So I have to work Friday the 18th - Bob and his mum and some of there friends come in to the pub around about 8.30 and i have my brake till 9pm and Viv (mum) asks me to come talk to them for my brake so i do :o

Me and Bob play fight alittle before I have to go back to work. Were texting thought out work and I close the bar at 1am, he says he is in a club and that i should come join them. So i say i will and that id text him when i have finished work. I text him at 2.30am saying im done and he says that he is at home and that i should come see him...

I go and see him and end up stopping the night were in his bed, talking and hugging alot. He keeps pouting in the cute way that he does it and i tell him that if he keeps doing it i'll bite it. So he pouts and i bite his lower lip. Then he doesnt shut up he talks constantly, and all this time we are but inchs away from each other. We laugh and talk and play fight and he pushes me outa bed (its a low bed) so I push him out then he pushes me out and we laugh, I say something that makes him pout again and i warn him once more, so he keeps pouting so I think what the hell,

and I kiss him... He kisses me back... and pulls me close.. holy fuck my heart is going fast. We kiss softly for a few seconds and I (YES ME) i pull back and say no...

(yes i know WTF I LIKE THIS BOI) We end up sleeping in each others arms for a few hours before he has to get up for work. We both wake up and I end up talking witht he brothers alot Bob leaves for work and I leave about an hour after.

I text him saying are we just mates cus last night confused me... well alot

He texts back saying.. "sorry just mates"
well i all but go and slap him. No one comes over at midnight and everything else he did in the last week unless he likes the other person. So im left very confused but I have him as a very good friend. We sorted things out in text and he came over today cus i just wanted to see him.

So, here I am. Not in love with this guy. cus there is no way in hell im saying that to him. The word gets thrown around way to much.

I just want him happy, I adore being around him, he makes me happy. we laugh and have so much fun together.

So the mind state im in atm is that Im gonna give up guys for a while. Sure still be friends with them BUT nothing more than hugs. I need to sort my head out. I want to be happy with my self ^_^

SO watch out world Im gonna change!!

Oh and i've lost a stone and I really like my job!!
its 2.30am and im shattered and my feet hurt. Going to bed now.

short up date:

short up date:

broke up with rich (ouch)
got a drink thrown over m for doing my job (meh)

cant sleep (feel too alone)

Tiger

This is me as a kitty. ^_^ it was taken about 2 weeks ago. Someone from my past started talking to me again. Well it messed with my head alittle so i decided to draw a cat face on my face with eye linner. The Orange is just lighting. Its only pure chance that I turned out looking like a tiger lol.

A week ago tomorrow someone came in to my life that has left me almost unable to think of anything let alone anyone else. It is driving me up the wall. I have only just found out his name and age and where he works etc.

Today I proberly did the most stalkerish thing I have ever done and went and read in the coffee house where he works for an hour. He was so cute! I wish I had the courage to ask for his number. I just want to get to know him. I'm not looking for a realtionship but I would def love to get to know him.

Mum is coming over tomorrow as im not working until 6pm (6-12) were going for coffee.... I dont even know if he is working but im sure mum will let me know what she thinks of him lol.

I must clean up the flat alittle more before mum comes I know it worries her to see it a mess cus she thinks im getting sick or something ^^.

I was sat in the coffee house and I have thought about writing again. I was just sitting there sokeing up the sunshine and reading. and thought. "what more do i need? Sunshine, good coffee and a great view ^_^"

*giggles*

ffs i cant stop thinking about him, and to make it worse Rich is saying its ok for me to be friends with this guy. Its ok to talk to him etc.

I R CONFUSED ^_^

Seb...

Seb.. I miss you. This song makes me think about you alot.

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life.

I'm so sorry that I pushed things on you. I should of just waited. Now because of all the bitterness I have lost one of the few people that loved me. That understould me. I'm sorry that I thought that I knew best all the time. I was so desprate for what we had not to end.

^_^

Well I had a whole heap of things to write down but I forgot them ^_^

lets do this Good, Bad, Random.

Good.

- I'm not worried about money anymore.
- I found that I can get transfured to Southend. (when ever I want).
- I have a wonderful boyfriend that called me at 6am so he could jus tell me he loves me and blow kisses down the phone at me. Because I'm working a 12 - 12 and we wont get to talk.
- I'm losing weight!


Bad.

- I'm working 12 -12 then have college at 6am >_<
- I owe people money.
- I want a hug.
- I'm thinking about Sebastiaan... alot
- I'm still WAYWAY over weight.


Random.

- I get paid on friday ^_^
- I have a Doctors appontment on the 8th May.
- My hair needs to be re-dyed.
- Im hungry.