Seb keeps trying to talk to me.

Happy.. I think

Im so tired lol... been spending most of the night talking with Alex.. normally till about 5am >_<

I really like him and i know he likes me too.. He will be coming over soon and I cant wait. He is so sweet... he understands that im hurtting and doesnt want to push anything he just wants to look after and care for me.

I dont remember when i have been this happy without working for it. Alex just cares about me I dont have to work for it.. or ask him to talk to me or make time for me... he just wants to be around me.. I cant explaine how good that feels.

he said this "when im not taking to you i try and convince my self that your just a girl i know just some one i talk too... but the second we talk im on the edge of my seat waiting for your every word"

im so happy atm... its lovely.. Im sorting my head out and my house is almost sorted.. I have work tomorrow and I got paid today. I dont really know what could be better =D

I'm going to go and clean my flat now as its something that i have started to really enjoy doing.

Im going to write up a plan as well so that I have set things to do each day. I think that having alittle bit of stablilty in my life would be a really good thing ^_^

May up date again later.

Roo x

hehe

I know i havent posted for a while but alot has been happening to me !! I have a new job!!!
I have a new computer.. i have a new hair cut! i have a new life and im happy.. i have Alex to thank for that he has been so lovely.. well all my friends have looked after me alot. Love you all very much <3

Just heard this song and LOL it made me realise how glad i am that i have walked away.

KELLY CLARKSON LYRICS

"Walk Away"
But the truth is
That it's cupid, baby
Lovin' you has made me this way
So before you point your finger
Get your hands off of my trigger

Oh yeah
You need to know this situation's getting old
And now the more you talk
The less I can take, oh

I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why are you still standin' here?
Hey, hey, hey, heyJ
ust walk away
Just walk away
Just walk away

Waited here for you
Like a kid waiting after school
So tell me how come you never showed (showed)?
I gave you everything
And never asked for anything
And look at me
I'm all alone (alone)
So, before you start defendin'
Baby, stop all your pretendin'
I know you know I know
So what's the point in being slow
Let's get the show on the road today Hey



YAY GO ME!! I FEEL GREAT!! IM FREE!!!! ^_^

4 days..

Its four days until valentines day...

Im quite looking forward to it I think. I dont expect anything at all tho lol.

Last night i spent 3 hours crying, and i realised that.. Seb stoped loving me along time ago if he ever did.

I realised that i was so so SO much better than how i have been treated for the last 2 years.. Yea sure it was great. But he isnt what i need. or now. want.

Why would i want someone that treats me badly?
Why would I want someone that pushes me away?
Do I need someone that if i just ask for help or say i want to talk to them walks away from me?
Do I really need or want someone I cant realy on?
Someone who says they will be there but wont atually be there for me?
I dont want someone that is going to lie to me anymore.

So im better of not having a child as a boyfriend. I was deluded and misslead.

And to be honest.. Even tho i love him compleatly.. and gave him everything..

I wish i had, had the courage to walk away the first time people warned me that it was going to hurt.

heart break

i just called seb...i have been hurtting alot lately and i just wanted to hear him. I told him I loved him and well were back to the "i know"

i asked if he loves me and he said that was what he was trying to find that out again.... I cried... it seems to be all I do anymore.

~Boring Basics~

What do people call you?:: Roo, Ruth, Ruthie
Gender?: Female
How long have you been living?:: almost 22 years
Where were you born?: shrewsbury
Where do you reside?:: shrewsbury
Who do you live with?:: me myself and I
Any pets?: webble and bob the goldfish
Grade?: back at college

~Outside~

Height?:: 5'3"
Eye color?:: green yellow
Skin color?:: white very pale.
Hair?:: currently red
Wear glasses/contacts?: either
Any piercings?: ears and tongue
Tattoos?:nopes.
What can you usually be seen wearing?:: black trousers and a hoody and my vans
Makeup?:: not atm but I will make an effort sometimes
Jewelry?::tongue stud.. locket I got at christmas and a ring.
Do you like the way you look?:: not really but working on it
What would you change?:: lose weight

~Inside~

How do you normally feel?:: ATM… used and unwanted. And tired
What is usually on your mind?:: worries
How would you describe your personality?:: loveable.
Do you hide how you really feel or show it?:: Show it.
Do you like how you think?:: yes
Do you have low self-esteem??: yes
Are you confident: Not all the time

~Love/Relationships/And all that fun stuff~

Single or taken?: Sadly single cus I fucked up
If single, How long have you been single?:: 2 weeks today
How many past relationships did you have?:: I dont remember but nothing complaired to my last one
Why did the last one end?:: I felt I was being neglected so I cheated on him with a guy that was just using me for sex.
Are you currently in search for a significant other?:: I want him back.
Ever been kissed?: lots.
How old were you when you got your first kiss?: about 14
How many people have you kissed?:: about 7
How about that tongue?: im told im good with it.
Ever been in love?:: yes.. still am
Do you believe in love?: Yep.
Any regrets?:: Cheating on Seb.
Do you like being single better or being taken?:: I want to belong again
If taken, What is your significant other's name?:: =(
How long have you been together?:: =(
Where did you meet?:: online in Runescape
Describe them.: The most hansom and beautiful person I know inside and out but is hurtting and needs to deal with things in his life.
Virgin or no?: no
Have any fetishes?:: Im sub
Turn-ons?:: I love it when someone talks dirty to me. I get off on sounds hearing my man moan, being told to do things..
Turn-offs?:: Complicating simple things ("Kiss me" "Where?" "I don't fucking care!!!")
Where do you like to be touched?: All freaking over.
What kind of person are you attracted to?:: powerful people
Are you dominant or submissive?:: Submissive.
Prefer to be on the top or bottom?:: Depends on what Master wants :P
Into bondage/bdsm/s&m/or any of that other fun stuff?:: yes.
Do you like biting/being bitten?: yes
Into spanking?: Yes
How about those whips?: im a naughty girl.

~People/Friends/Socialness~

How many close friends do you have?: Very few.
Who always makes you smile?: Seb..
Makes you laugh?: People.
Makes you happy?: Friends
Who is always there for you?: Friends
Who can you trust the most?: Seb and Abi
Trust the least?: Myself.
Who would you give your life for?: Anyone
Are you social?: nopes
Do you like to talk to people?: yes.
Are you a conversation starter?: yes
Do you like to be the center of attention?: sometimes
Would you just like to be unnoticed?: yes
Do social situations make you nervous?: Yeah.
Do you talk to strangers?: Only sometimes. When I'm feeling super-random.
What’s one of the nicest things someone said to you?: Seb : Your so fucking beautiful… I adore you
One of the meanest?: Your fat and ugly

~This or That~

Phone or IM?: Phone
Lights on or off?: On.
Talk or listen?: Listen.
Wax or shave?: Wax.
Write or type?: Both.
Kiss (a long one not a peck) a family member or someone of the same sex: kissing a girl
Be blind or deaf?: Deaf.
Shower or bath?: bath
Hot tub or pool?: pool
Be entertained or entertain?: Be entertained, most definitely.
White chocolate or dark chocolate?: dark
Outdoors or indoors?: Indoors

~Now~

Eating?: Nothing.
Drinking?: Nothing.
Listening to?: computer humming
Wearing?: Just a teeshirt
Talking to?: Rick
Doing?: This survey.
Thinking?: Wishing Seb was here.
How ya feeling?: I'm getting tired and sick
Book reading?: none atm

~Last~

Ate?: Peanut butter on toast
Drank?: water.
Listened to?: Dont remember
Wore?: What I'm wearing now.
Talked to?: Seb
Said?: "miss you"
Did?: Surveyness.
Watched?: News.
Time you vomited?: Couple days ago.
Were sick?: Now
Cry?: Last night
Book read?: Dont remember.
Movie watched?: something on at 2am
Person hugged?: Dawn.
Person kissed?: Karl -.-
Person you saw?: john and dawn at station
Hospital visit?: few days ago.

~Random~

What annoys the hell out of you?: People that say maybe.. or I dont know… make up your fucking mind its not that hard
What do your sheets look like?: Purple
Have any nifty talents?: I dont have a gag reflex
Been to any neat places?: I've been to lots of them.
You into the whole religion thing?: Yes.
What about sparkly and glittery stuff?: HELL YES!!!!!!!!!!

Missing you..

I miss sebastiaan so much. I called him today and told him i missed him and he said he missed me to and that he loves me and he knows that he made mistakes but i shouldnt of done what i did.

I told him i loved him too and i was so sorry that i messed up.

He said sorry too and i asked about if he had thought about changing and he said that he had already was thinking about it.

I have been advised to take it slow and to give him space and time. I just want him back. But i want him here in england with me. He needs to sort out his life and i think that would be best if he got away from his mum and holland... i feel its jsut dragging him down.. as far as i can tell.. he was only happy when we lived in cambridge.

I miss him and im going back to sleep b4 i pass out

I almost emailed this to seb...

I doubt that you will reply to this but..
well it seems that i got what was coming to me. The other guy just used me. was only nice to me to get in to bed.
I've had the worst week at college. People calling me names all the time. Just being mean cus of who i am.
I've been sick everyday and have just given up eating cus it just keeps coming back up. Its freezing here because i cant afford money to put the heating on. =(

I miss you so much Sebastiaan. I know you proberly dont want to talk to me atm. Or ever again.
I know i have made the hugest mistake of my life and i am so sorry I just miss you so so much =((

Brrrrr its very cold here..

I need to get a job soon so that i am able to get some heating else im going to freeze.

Im numb in other ways as well. Myheart is broken so im keeping that well and truely hiden.

Letter to seb

He doesnt even know what he has been doing to hurt me.. even though i have spent the last 8 months trying to tell him. He doesnt see that what he was doing was killing me.

I have tried to fix this.. but each time i try and call him he just pushes me away even more. Tears are falling down on to the keybord as i silently so my heart out.

NO one can see how weak im being. No one can. I thought that i was worth more than a game.. that the man i love would want to spend time with me. God how wrong was I. All that he did was say things lie about what he was going to do. Make fake promices to me about spending time with me.

This was the man that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The one man that i have ever opend up to compleatly. The one man that i gave up so much for. The man that i choice to follow and suport even tho I was treated like shit.

I want to die right now. I'm already dead inside so what does it matter.

SO Seb, this is the last letter I will ever write to you. Not that you will ever find it.

My dearst Sebastiaan,

Since i first met you i have loved you with all my heart. I gave the only thing that I could give to you that was of any importance. I gave you my virginity my soul and my body. I was so happy with you. You were everything to me. I would of given the world for you. Moved mountians just to be with you.

Our first year and a half were the most amazing of my life and i highly doubt that i will ever have anything like them again. Even tho we had a sea between us. We still worked at the relationship. We still both wanted to be together.

Then when we moved in together... I cant even explaine how happy i was. It was a dream come true. I finally had the family i had dreamed of for a very long time.

I was working so hard for us to stay in Cambridge.. but you didnt get out of the sofa.. you just played computer games.. I should of listened to people then. So many warned me that you were going to brake my heart. But I was blinded by love.

Again i choice you when so many warned me of what was going to happen. I was so happy that we were together.

Then I lost my job and you had to go back to holland... I shouldnt of ever let you go back... but really would you of worked so that we could stay together.. or would you of let me do all the work.. as that was what i was doing.

As soon as I got home to england... things between us started to get bad.. you started to play wow... all most all the time.. id tell my self that you were hiding from the world as you were having such a hard time at home. That your mum was constanyly bitching at you and your friends were bein mean.

I did my best to be there for you. Finally comeing on wow and proving that you would talk to me more if i played that damned game.

SO i got a computer.. a good one and i started to play wow. I started so that i could be closer to you.. i didnt sleep so that i could get a higher lvl so that we could play together. Just now when i wanted to spend time with you i was destroying something that you enjoyed doing.. something that you liked to play. I wasnt aloud to be on wow cus i was bothering you.

I got my own wow account and working hard at trying to not bother you but still get lvl 60 so that we could play together and so that you would want to spend time with me.

I moved house in October... you compleatly forgot about my 21st birthday.. promiceing to send me something in a happy birthday email that you wrote at about dinner time 6pm. You dont know that i had spent the day waiting for just a phone call.. jsut a letter.. something to show that you gave a damn.

but now its january and i sitll dont have that letter and i still dont have a present..

you said you didnt have any money to spend on posting things to me.... but thats suprising when you spent 70 euros on a game..

You say you havent treated me badly? but just look at the emails i have sent you. I have so many more that i HAVENT sent you because I was worried that i was going to hurt you. I worried aobut you all the time. You never talked to me about anything unless it was in anger.

You made promices that you didnt keep. You will NEVER know how many times i cried my self to sleep hoping that tomorrow you would call me and talk to me for more than 5 min. How many times I prayed that you would get bored of wow and realise what a jackass you have been to me.

But none of those things ever happend. It just goes to show how much you really cared.


I KNOW what i did was a mistake and Becuase you wanted me to be honest with you I told you. I hate myself for hurtting you. BUT you still dont see that you have destroyed me.

I told you because i love you. I was honest with you because thats what i thought we agreed we would be with each other. But all you have ever done to me is lie to me.

And all i have ever done.. was believe you.

You were my one and only.

Yours forever just like i promiced.

Ruth

Ouch

I have the mother of all head aches. I hate being sick. =(

*sighs* im stressing out way to much. I should go to bed. Night.

I first want to say that today i found out people atually read what i write.. i found comments that i didnt know i even had! so ehmmmm thanks. Some of you have left some really helpful things.

I really wish i could hold someone right now.. I feel so alone and i know.. i just KNOW its all my falt.

I messed up with the one man that i fell in love with. He wont even talk to me anymore. I slept with a guy that doesnt even want a relationship. At least im not pregnent. I miss Sebastiaan so much it hurts.

Bigbrother is on in the background but i dont really hear anything from it. I just hurt... im empty i just want to end it all..

I feel so ashamed of what i have done. I have hurt the man i love so much. I hate my self so much =(

I can just hear in his voice how much i have hurt him. I dont ever want to do that again.

Im just giving him some space now. giving him time to get over what i have said.

I just want to hold him and tell him how sorry i am.

i have lost 7 pounds in weight!! and im feeling great!!

got to start walking to college now. NO money for the bus as im broke =(

Exersize and things

Well he not only remembered but I got two phone calls (one at 7.30am >_<) and the promice of letters. *happy*

I just went for a run on my cross trainer and im feeling much better i have lost 6pounds. Thats a good start but i think that I can do better.

ew! i just tasted some of the butter i had on my jacket potato and well.. i could taste the fat in it. By sunday I want to be 19.6 if not 19.

I have set my alarm to get me up everyday at 7am. Im going to spend an hour on my self in the mornings befor college or anything else that i do.

More me time for the win! I want to start college feeling better about my self that way I think i will do better and get more out of it.

Im feeling good. A little nervous about a friend coming over this weekend. Don't know what they will think of me.

going to make some tea. talk soon

WOW (not the game)

How amazingly pretty are those! I like them both alot but i think i like the garnet one the best (red)

http://www.kay.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/product1%7C10101%7C10001%7C-1%7C490620402%7C15053%7C15053.15071.15189

that link should show you some of the... prices :P hehe im expensive

Detox

I have been playing with this idea for a while now and not really done it. But today i am.

Ihave a list of things that i CAN eat so tomorrow lets start the day with

breakfast - slimfast milk shake and pot of green tea

lunch - potato and tuna with spring oinons - green tea

snacks - carrots or celerly

tea - chicken salad.

I must buy some oats tomorrow at summerfields and plain popcorn.

May even walk in to college tomorrow.

Meh 8th Jan one day to go... think he is going to Remember?

Its mine and sebs two year anaversary tomorrow and im just well... i highly doubt that he will remember and if i do get anything its just going to me some kind of un- thought about email.

I dont even know what he is thinking anymore if he really wants to be with me. He sertanly doesnt show it.

He never shows anything unless its in anger then he brings up things from the past.

Lets put it like this,

If he has time for me, then I have time for him in my life.

IF he DOESN'T have time for me, then I DO NOT have time for him in my life.

I am worth more than this.

SHIT!

I just got on the scales.... fuck i've put on almost 2 stone!!!! and i wanted to be 17 by feb lol just even more work now >_<

New years

First Happy New Years to everyone.

Second man im tired lol

Been thinking so much lately... wondering whats best for me... he isnt. I think.. i dont know.. im so comfused.. im going to spend some more time thinking...